Too lazy for life

TW: SI, SH

I have been a complete failure for longer than my whole adult life and every day I'm alive procrastinating i hate myself more and more. I am so sick of promising myself to do better over and over and over and failing again and again and again. No matter what i try its still just a fraction of what i need to get done to be a functional person. I wanted to do so many things for so long but after years and years of laziness now i feel so hopeless and incompetent. >!Now when i end up in that same place of procrastinating until the last minute i have started hurting myself, and i get so angry. I think i am a worthless parasite. I am truly not made for this world. It's just comforting and not real but i have started to have suicidal ideation.!<

I am the worst kind of person. I do not have problems like other people have and deal with and still function and do things. I am too lazy and useless to cope with life. I wish i had adhd or something but i probably dont meet the criteria and i know deep down that i am just broken and incredibly incredibly bad at life. Thats why i can't even think about trying to make myself try to get assessed (which would probably not be very accessible) because if i don't have it i will feel so worthless and it will confirm every awful thing i say to myself. Its the one maybe hope i have that this isn't my fault and that there is something that can fix me.

Sorry for posting this. It is probably not allowed but I don't care anymore. I wish someone could know and understand how awful and useless and bad i am and still be nice to me. I will probably regret posting this people will be unkind or tell me i need to get help instead of complaining but unfortunately i am too lazy to make appointments and do anything i just have nobody real to talk to. Sorry if this irritates anyone. Tell me there's another way out?