First timer - feeling really ashamed that I missed the warning signs of rapid cycling

Hi - I just realized in therapy that I’m rapid cycling and probably have been for a few months now. I was diagnosed around 16/17 and am now 37. I know what the warning signs are and I missed them. I explained everything away - oh it’s normal to be sad in this or that circumstance or I’m partying a bunch because people are in town visiting a lot or I’m spending a bunch of money because I’m traveling a lot. Things have finally slowed down with being constantly busy and I’m just like damn, all the signs were there.

I’m really mad at myself and ashamed that I didn’t see what was going on. I’m not ashamed that I have BP2. I’m ashamed because I feel like I should know better.

I’m also really scared. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a definable episode. I can’t shake the thought of I just want to be “normal.”

Also also, I’m not sure if this is rapid cycling or a mixed episode but whichever it is, it sucks.

Any advice for how to deal with the shame and fear?