OMFG!! I hate being a mother some times!

Fuck, it sucks so much having kids and CPTSD! I've finally gotten serious in my recovery and now every tiny problem my kids have feels like a punch in the face to me. I am realizing how much my mental health has affected them and now I can't handle the fallout. My oldest is 19 and is on disability due to severe anxiety, learning disabilities and Autism, he still hasn't finished highschool and is no where close to being ready to move out on his own. My youngest is 12 (they are both boys, not sure if it's relevant) and recently diagnosed with AuDHD, and a host of other problems. On top of all that we are living with my dad who is an alcoholic and has autism though not officially diagnosed. In short my life is utter chaos and I feel like it's all my fault for not trying harder to escape when I was younger and unencumbered by a spouse and kids.

I've thought about running away more in my 40's than I did as a teenager, my wildest dream right now is just a private cottage in the woods away from society where I can heal the way I feel I need to without doing further damage to my loved ones. I feel like I'm fucking everyone up with my healing journey and it makes me want to stop and go back to survival mode because at least people liked me and there wasn't so much conflict. Like I'm climbing this mountain and think I'm almost at the summit and someone magically puts another equally large mountain in front of me and says "No, that's the top, you're only part way there" and there's nothing I can do about it because going back means giving up, but I want to turn around a run away because it all feels like too much.

I don't even know if this is making any sense, I'm dealing with an argument between my sons about the shower right now.