My moms upcoming surgery

so my mom has cancer its been 8 years or something. sense her first diagnose im ( the youngest daughter of 3) and my other 2 sisters weren't suppose to know she just wanted to hide it idk why but i figured it out immediately from the first time cuz i went for a hug and touched her hair and just big chunk of hair was in my hand ( i believe i was 14 ) but idk she denied it and believed it . fast forward through the corse of these next years eventually my two sisters knew . idk if she told them or how idk cuz i just played along what she want never asked never talked more than the routine of her doc apt. for "arthritis" so she beat cancer 3 times

but know she has it again in her pancreas after already remiving it partially but it seems like the tumor grew back and sense i don't know know much im kinda frew abit insensitive about it (not cuz she too is not the perfect mother i already have some feeling towards her regarding typical mother daughter relationship trauma) but know i kinda didn't feel much about it just an endoscopy to remove the tumor.

but i suddenly feel the shift of the atmosphere my mom is soo terrified ( she usually is . my dad too ) but this time my sisters too . i don't remember the last times to compare but they seem soo stress and scared. and my sister keep telling me spend these hours with her ( tmwr is the endoscopy) i say way i just act normal like usually and she tells my oh those may be the last days and hour with us and just stuff like that . and idk how this makes me feel . the whole hiding from me and specially for now cuz i have an up coming important exam .

they gonna leave after two hour idk there is a limp of emotions i can't seem to unravel about her and our relationship( and she genuinely love me )and and guilt and fear . i kinda get the undertone of " she keep it a secret from u cuz of ur own good and ur not appreciated it " i just don't know how to even interpret my emotions. i needed to say it just in case someone wanna read it .

my upcoming exam is my second time taking it this year and 4th in two years cuz i failed the first one and our family ( me and my sisters) neverrr failed this is the first exam someone fails an exam ( im med student my other sis too and the other she is technician and study too) and this failure DISAPPOINTED them soo BAD they were mad and disappointed and all of that . and i was angry about them for that like i tried but i had my reason that they can't understand. so know i have the feeling of guilt too for not passing the first 2 times it was my fault i was tired and depressed so badly but the 3ed time was purely unfair and alot of students fail unfairly too . but they are really close minded like they don't believe in being tired and stuff they told me anytime i said im tired that how could u be able to get into med school yet too tired to pass . but that was last year and this time I'm still studying for this semester. and this last time diagnose happened at the time i was going to therapy to at least try to fix my relationship with her ( again they don't know im in therapy and on meds) and from my side im so angry at her due to the past but idk I'm putting all my personal emotions aside again the moment i wanted to understand my feelings towards her a new obstacle or event happened ( her diagnose) and just fcked me up again

just genuinely idk how to feel or what to do i feel guilty for not being afraid ans guilty for not passing and mad at the same time cuz i didn't ask them for hiding it from me yet i need to act into their lie but i don't blame them atst idk my emotions are all over the place i don't want to villainze them nor believe they did it for protecting me or whatever.

idk i just would love if someone understands me and just give me some help and clearity