my obsession with madison beer has partially messed up my life

i'm mainly writing this because i have no outlet to vent except ai, and i haven't even been able to vent on my own anonymous accounts so i made a new one just to vent. im so embarrassed about this but i think its good to get a opinion from real people.

TW: ignore fluctuating tones/writing styles I was crying a little while writing this and needed to get my thought out

it started around January of 2026. I was doing a worksheet with this random kid in class, at the time i'd just thought she was pretty but she wasn't even my main celebrity crush. i brought her up just because and this kid say "shes bad asl." Jokingly i said "i agree" (for reference im a girl who isnt out to anyone yet). Without knowing id be totally obsessed for the next 4-ish months, I googled a fanfic about her (major femcel alert but it was just a "ok she's pretty i guess i'll just read something im bored" moment.) Before I knew it I read all of them, partially because I was bored, partially because she was pretty.

Over the next few weeks it got worse. I just thought she was so pretty and I never thought I'd be sitting in my bathtub writing this. Eventually it progress over a month-ish and she released locket. I talked about it with my friends, but I still had a crush on another girl so I was like "oh just a celebrity crush". After that I think I spiraled, it just kept getting more and more. I started searching for content of her instead of letting it appear on its own. I eventually curated my tiktok fyp around her. I knew it was parasocial when she posted something about her boyfriend. My stomach dropped for the first time in a few months. I don't think I even took it that serious, just shrugged it off. But after each photo i just got more jealous and felt worse and worse. 2 months ago it got really bad. it messed with my whole routine. Usually when I get home I do my homework, eat, play a game, scroll a bit. But I started to check her posts when I got home, and when I saw him and her together I just sort of lost any appetite or interest in playing games. I'd already started posting about her on my own anonymous tiktok. (i racked up around 800K likes before even liking her so) the first post was during 1/15. but every post included more of her. My most recent one has 750K views but my mutuals haven't noticed i've been obsessed and posting more about her. I think I just broke. I started writing love letters that were never intended to be sent. that's where i'm at now. I think it helps to tell myself that this is normal for me. usually getting a crush goes like this. "wow they're cute" - "i'm going to use them as a outlet for my mommy issues" - *checking every repost/post - they have a boyfriend/not interested in girls/age - this goes on from anywhere to 6 months-4 years (sometimes crushes happen at the same time or one comes back) - depressive thoughts during this period - the crush fades or a new one happens (this happened with my previous crush, i like her but i can feel it not as affecting me as much that she doesn't like me) - i'm over it now but it still feels a little weird. i feel like i've entered the grieving hopeless romantic phase. I want to stop feeling this way but I have to little self control to do a withdrawl. someone please tell me it gets better!