My anxiety

I dunno why but sometimes it seems like a void inside me every night i drink every night I smoke w33d but I can't seem to reach that peace. I grew up in abusive and aggressive father dominated family all the nights yelling and fighting don't let me sleep i don't kinda trust in love or genuine affection it's kinda hard right now if all feels like a fantasy but since small been dumped emotions of parents and my emotions bottling up i kinda dunno how to react to family or people in general if all feels foreign and awkward besides getting closer to anyone is very difficult i had a rough relations ans friends. Can someone help how to i like move on leave this think positive in general and have motivation???