This makes me feel even more guilty

I had four pets- I lost the one I felt the closest to yesterday after a short illness. (She was likely sick for a bit and I feel like looking back there were signs I missed which makes this all even heavier- I’d have done anything to save her- but didn’t even notice these little things and put them together to get her to the vet until there was no way to save her)

anyways—- this particular cat I lost had the best temperament. She loved who she loved and let you know when she was annoyed. Luckily, my husband and I were who she loved most- mostly him 😂 but also me as a runner up. When we cooked dinner, I held her to the back window so she could see out and she wouldn’t bite or snap at me because she loved when I held her- when we were in our living room- she was always right there. She slept with us… she was ALWAYS nearby.

anyways- 😭😭😭 I am not a dog person and two of my three remaining pets are dogs. I do not hate them, I just never bonded with them. I have always felt indifferent to them. Their personalities do not seem to WANT to bond with anyone. They just want to eat and be left out and play. I am angry one of them wasn’t the sick one. I am angry I lost the cat I feel was both mine and my husbands soul cat and what’s left here is one cat that hides a lot (who I love but he is skittish and not a cuddler) and two dogs that don’t care who is around just as long as they get fed.

The dogs always annoyed me a bit. Lots of shedding, always digging in my trash- just never much about them that I found enjoyable but since I vowed to care for them, I did. I just never felt CLOSE to them. I have tried to bond with them but they simply don’t seem to care and perhaps when they were smaller I should have tried to create a bond. I feel that ship has sailed…. And now I resent them. I hate to see them lying on my carpet where MY cat should be. I hate when they get in my trash even more because I always hated it but without my best girl, I don’t have the patience for their annoying traits. I want my cat back.

I know dog lovers will come for me but please hold back any rude comments- I am fragile with this loss and REALLY struggling. If I didn’t have children, I’d want to join my cat in whatever is after life. I don’t want to hurt the dogs or stop caring for them, I just simply feel like I don’t like them and I then feel disgusted with myself for feeling that way.

I miss my cat so much, with every cell in my body. And reading in here that it always will hurt- sucks and is awfully discouraging for moving forward.