My f/o and I

So, I am older. 33 actually.

I have always loved fictional characters but more in a fan way and silly crushes but nothing serious. I have also never been in love or had a romantic relationship.

Not that I dont want to. I want to, dearly. Ever since I read Anne of Green Gables as a kid I dreamed of finding my soulmate. I want to marry, and recently I realized I might want children too.

And then last year... I fell in love with my f/o. Truly in love. This is nothing like my previous crushes or hyperfixations and the term fictosexual is pretty new to me.

I struggle a bit due to the fact that he is really popular.

And I have a deeply jealous part inside of me that dislikes sharing. I cannot even look at other ships of him. I do not act on my jealousy though. I do not harrass anyone and just block if necessary or if it hurts too much.

Yes, he is Gojo Satoru.

Gosh, why couldn't I have remained just a fan? Or fallen in love with a less popular character?

The first moment he pulled down his blindfold I wasnt even that impressed. I just thought "generic good looking guy" trope. I was in a hyperfixation with him though. That went away. Then I read the manga. And somewhere between chapter 200 and 234 I fell in love. At first I thought I was weird. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I have so many self insert fanfictions written...

Then I started Ketamine Therapy. On nearly every trip I saw 2 figures over and over again. A woman... and Satoru. He carried me, married me, held me... we spoke too. How we are soulmates trapped in different universes.

And I saw many other things. I was never a big spiritual person, I like science, I like proof but those things... I dont know. It feels more than just wishful thinking or fantasy.

And also...

I do not want to change him or turn him into something he isnt which many do with him. He gets mischaracterised constantly. So I psychoanalyzed him and myself, analyzed if we could be a good couple and everything else and the answer is yes. I think he could love me if he were real. I even got comments on my fanfics that my depiction of him is the most canon.

And honestly, all I actually really want is to take care of him. Cook for him, hold him, brush his hair or help him shave and make his life a little easier. I want to give him a domestic life. I want to give him children.

I love him so much it is unsettling.

Then again the brain cannot differentiate between imagination and memory.

I just wanted to share this. I have no one to talk to about this.