Ive gone completly numb and just lay on bed silently crying. I want to scream but theres no point.

I honestly dont know what the heck to do at this point. Night after night I just lay here with nothing. My [38M] wife's [36F] was 3ft away and yesterday I said, hey hey come here I need those cuddles. She didnt even flinch or move. I waited and said 'hug hug?' In a playful way. She turned away from me and said Ill be the little spoon. Ok. So I hugged her as the big spoon for maybe 3 minutes before I heard a pin drop in my mind.

I just stopped, faced away, and silently cried myself to sleep while listening to some calming meditation tracks.

I honestly feel physically sick not having any physical contact anymore. Agenuinly. It makes me feel like I want to throw up thinking about it.

I honestly thought its me it has to be me. Surely. I worked hard. Gym every day. Showers 3x a day. It was over the top. Nothing.

I know words are just words but I miss being told im wanted or needed or good I feel etc. I feel totally worthless now and its been years of rejection after rejection from the one person im supposed to be vulnerable with.

I wish I didnt live in a small town and there was someone I could talk to about this. I feel like Im just to falling completly apart and its so lonely now. ShIm a trophy husband at this point. I just want to scream at the universe a this point it feels like one big joke. Thanks for listening