AIO about my wife spying on me

My wife was cheated on by an old partner. He lied to her he was going for a work meeting, she had been through his email and figured out where he was going and went to the hotel and caught him red handed. Her world view now seems to be all men cheat.

Fast forward. We’ve been married 15 years. Never a single episode of infidelity on either side. I’ve made enough the entire time that she’s been home and raised our kids. But that means I’ve had female colleagues or direct reports who’ve worked for me that she’s been upset I’ve been too friendly with.

I work in sales, so it’s a lot of hard work and alot of celebrating that work; happy hours, sales kick offs in beach locations, incentive trips etc. I typically never go on them to avoid any issues. My top performers have always typically been women too, I assume higher EQ than most men. So I would always get a lot of questions about them from her. She would get upset if she saw emails or message from them, nothing inappropriate, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself from going through my phone or whatever, which I don’t love but also don’t care about. I’m a leader, so I have to be friendly with these people, but I never initiate and never discuss anything non work related.

So a year ago I joined a new company and took my top performer from my old company with me. As a byproduct we were texting a lot on the side about how to make the move smoothly. Further more, we left a toxic environment and were starting our own thing, so we trauma bonded a little. Anyway, we basically became friends. Nothing inappropriate, she’s married, I’m married. But knowing she goes through my stuff, and not wanting to get into drama over it, I deleted her text messages. Obviously a bad move.

Anyway, she suspected something so she somehow logged into my social media from her phone, deleted the women she didn’t like from my Instagram, went through my phone records and found every time I’d called or messaged this employee who came with me. Again, it was never anything none work related, but I deleted the texts knowing she wouldn’t like it, so that’s on me. I acted shady, it made her feel weird, she kept digging and making connections that just weren’t there.

Again, nothing inappropriate ever said or happened and I know deleting messages is wrong.

Anyway, she confronts me about it when I reactive my social media and I start reconnecting with a lot of my old teams - not specifically women, literally everyone who’s ever worked for me started re-adding me. We fight it out, she accuses me of having an affair which is wild, I confess and agree that deleting messages is shady and I should never have done it. I don’t even try and justify it by saying it’s because she jumps to conclusions and rifles through my things, I just accept it.

I agree to cut all out of work ties with all women. I agree to never be friends on social or message any women again outside of work. She messages the one women I brought with me from my phone as if I’ve said it and says that I’ve been deleting her message etc and we can’t talk anymore. We block each other. I accept all her terms and agree I was in the wrong, but confirm I never actually did anything wrong past deleting messages.

We apparently move on. Until yesterday I get a notification on Facebook messenger about a Mother’s Day brunch I’m setting up for her… and she gets the same notification at the same time in another room. I check my accounts center and she’s logged into my Facebook messenger from her phone. I’m not sure if I confront her about it, or do I just change my password and put two factor authentication on and never mention it? Or am I over reacting and need to accept that I did something shady and just get on with it given I have nothing to hide?