Had a meltdown in the target parking lot over a self checkout

So I had to return something at Target today, nothing major, just a shirt that didn't fit. I'd been mentally prepping for it all morning, rehearsing what I'd say, making sure I had the receipt in the right pocket. Got there, got in line, and the lady at the returns desk told me I had to do it at self checkout now because of some new policy. And the self checkout return thing wasn't working. An employee came over and was kind of impatient with me and I just. Froze.

I got back to my car and cried for like 25 minutes. Over a shirt. I'm 32 years old.

And the worst part is the spiral after, where I'm not even upset about the shirt anymore, I'm upset that I'm upset, and then I'm cataloging every other time this has happened, every birthday party I left early, every time I got "too quiet" because someone changed plans last minute.

I was working through this on a self-reflection app I've been using, Rae Chat, just dumping the whole thing out because my partner was at work. And it gave me this thing in the reflection at the end that kind of stopped me.

"The meltdown wasn't about the shirt or the kiosk. It was about the cost of holding a plan together with both hands and watching someone casually unclip one of the corners."

I read that like four times. That's exactly what it feels like. I always describe it badly to NT people, like "I just don't do well with change," which makes it sound like a preference. It's not a preference, it's the plan being load-bearing.

Anyway the shirt is still in my car.