Rambling again

I know it feels like I’m beating a dead horse but here we go again. Here where I’m at with my journey. Egg scattered a while back after keeping Danielle bottled up for 40 years after going on testosterone for medical reasons. Tried to deal with it on my own for a while with my wife kinda supportive. Started therapy and after 1st appointment she started affirmative care (which felt amazing) guess it started moving forward to fast and wife kinda got cold towards it (it goes against the views of the church we both grew up in) and my kids are going to be home for the summer so back in the closet I went. Also have a company that would probably go belly up if I transitioned due to the industry not being tolerant at least around here. Any way back on point so after basically going from kinda getting to experience life as my true self to back to pretending to be the man everyone expects I feel absolutely numb (kinda like my soul died but the body lives on). Don’t want to blow up my life and everything in it because it would affect not only my family but about 20 more. But I also don’t want to live like this either where I’m existing and not living. It is honestly exhausting.