Dear S, from J

I miss you so much it hurts. I think about you every single day and I can't help but want to cry when I think about us. I don't believe in soulmates, twin flames or finding the one but I know that I'll never have another connection like ours. You made it impossible to be anything but my best self and the woman you was when correctly was an Indescribable blessing to the world. Watering you was a privilege and I'm so sorry that I'm not in your garden anymore. The life I pictured for us, I still can't shake from of my heart and say dream about out family all the time. Your laugh, your smile , your lil nose twitch... they're fresh in my mind like I was with you this morning but I lost you in July. In Oct reached out “for your good” cuz of a post about your mental health but in reality it was for me. Because I wanted you to want me or at least need me the way I wanted and needed you. We slid back and forth between the closest lovers and strangers so much I was desperate to feel immovable so I clung to whatever role you allowed me in from therapist to friend. Tbh I can barely remember the time I wanted anything less than to be with you for the rest of my existence. You're my best friend and my partner in all things and imy more than I can even express. I wish things didnt end how they did and you weren't so set on burning down everything we had built. You humiliated me and disrespected our relationship in front of people who are fixtures in my life, took our kids (your cousins) away from me and then told me I'd be your 13th reason. You hurt my pride treating us like trash, hurt my heart taking the boys and hurt my soul telling me I didnt bring you anything but pain. You text me recently but idk why. Idk what you want from me and honestly im scared to find out. Scared to find out you haven't missed me, scared to find out you're just bored, scared to find out you just wanna hurt me more and scared that you want to try again cuz as bad as I want us to be together I wanna stop the cycle we've been in even more. We can't raise our kids on a rollercoaster but we can def raise them in love we shared. I wish I could say I'm still mad at you but I never really was. Nobody understands the connection we had or what you truly mean to me and that makes me feel all the lonelier everyday. I need us back but I can't take you hurting me or us. I want so desperately for you to send me some long heartfelt message saying how much I meant to you and that you've been just as miserable as I have since our split. I want you to apologize for what you do to and and take accountability for your part in our damage. I fantasize about you prioritizing our relationship and seriously working on the things that make us unsustainable. I read post after post wishing it was yours, wishing those words of regret and remorse were for me, wishing those vows to do and be better were for me. I don't want you being or or groveling I just need to know you understand and sincerely regret the hurt and damage you've done to us. As much as I want to take you bake and smother you in love and affection I can't trust you're as done with this cycle of trust and destruction as I am. I'd never ask you stay through abuse, misuse or unhappiness but I need to commit to us in a realistic way.