My story of deconversion from Islam.

Where do I even begin with this..

Alright, so, I remember in my childhood years being dedicated to God alot. Even had a period of time where I read the Quran all day everyday.

Even during high school, atleast at the early years, I still have belief in him, though it kinda weakens a bit. I.E, I lost a bit of enthusiasm in doing the daily prayers compared to before.

Its during the middle years of high school, i think somewhere from Grade 9 (my country has a different high school grade system, but this is the closest I can find that corresponds to the grade at that time), that I started to become a bit more adventurous so to say..

and the cause of that feeling was, uh, powerscaling..

YEAH SO at grade 9 I got interested into powerscaling. Ya know, typical stuff like DBZ to SCP and whatnot. Then I got a bit curious about how God would powerscale, so I looked it up Of course, he's a higher level, but one thing stuck with me.

In that wiki page, dunno what it is, it mentions the omnipotence paradox. A simple analogy would be "can God create a stone so massive he cant lift it? If he can, that means there is something that can overpower Him, thus not making him not omnipotent. If he cannot, then theres something he cannot make, therefore making him not omnipotent as well." The paradox got me genuinely thinking for a while...

... until I chalked it up as "God is beyond the rules of logic, so this paradox wint apply to him" and moved on. Hell even the powerscaling wiki counts my reasoning as his powers too, lmao.

But that spark I felt, of curiousity and questioning, will eventually lead me to a personal rabbit hole.

So during the middle of grade 9, I decided "hey, ya know what, I'm gonna go ahead and learn about evolution!". Im not sure what caused this mindset, but this event, this single event could be the main cause behind the phase of me slowly deconverting.

Mind you, my Muslim parents and even my Islam programme in school taught that evolution is false.

But the more I learnt about it the more I got convinced with it. The evidence was just too much. The human anatomy, the similar features we sometimes share with other animals, cells.. evolution explained them in a way i find sufficient. Not to mention the experiments about it.

This might be too quick, but I already began abadoning the traditional notion of Islam's God. Infact, from this point onwards I completely disregard it. I went for deism instead, though.

Then, in a phase where i somewhat arbitrary transition to deism , began to look into religious history.

I began to deduce, from what I read about the history of religions, that Islam is as man made as other religions that my parents would HATE for me to learn about. But, I still entertain the deistic notion of God, because for me at that time, the universe seems so fine tuned for life.

And, hey, theres no direct attack on deism anyway. God made the universe, then he left it as is. Perfectly aligns with scientific observations, while still leaving a God behind to "perfectly explain the nature of how life even existed in this universe."

Right after that, during early Grade 10, I discovered online atheism.

Granted, I already knew about it. But I never interacted with it directly. I only ever watched videos from Muslim apologists debunking atheists... weird how I never even try to consider their arguments, I just accepted them and move on.

But what I learned afterwards on reading about atheism, and their arguments, got me thinking... ALOT.

One of the more convincing ones is that a god that creates the universe and leaves it as is is as similar as the universe existing by itself. Another is that the universe needing an eternal creator is just an assumption, you could easily make the argument that the Universe is eternal too.

These arguments got me shaking to the grounds, and left me a bit confused. Not distraughtly, mind you. No sadness, as weird as it sounds. Just, "damn, which one's true then?"

I was still clinging on to that God belief, because i found it to be a "perfect explanation" to everything. But at the same time I know just shoving God in isnt really an answer to anything at the same time.

Thats when I discovered agnosticism, then I just rolled with that too.

During early grade 10, i considered myself an agnostic. Not an agnostic theist, nor agnostic atheist. Just, agnostic. 50/50 type shit. Fence sitter type shit.

However I was still chill with Islam (and most Abrahamic religions really), even though I read up on their volatile histories, because I thought "oh normal religious people wont be like that".

Then homosexuality came in. Even when I was a wee young lad during grade 8, I already become a bit sympathetic towards the LGBTQ+. However durin my Muslim days (pre-grade 9) I would always think they will go to hell no matter what, and made me feel sad. But hey, Lord's order.

Ever since I went on this journey though, I become tolerant of LGBTQ+, but I never really cared to be their support. Wee young lad me always watches those 2016 "FUCK SJWs" vids so not really a surprise that I only give a bit of sympathy to them, since them being "annoying" or "whiny" are still ingrained into my mind.

Yet again, because of science, I changed my mind. I got increasingly interested in the neuroscience behind sexuality and attraction. Wow did it change my mind. alot. Made me realise "hot damn if Allah exists why tf did he create their brains like that??"

Then all that ignorance, of this.. shitty ass god, started to crack, and I began to realise how fucked up Islam can be. I began to slowly develop a bit of a distaste towards the religion since my current morals are not compatible with it and I hated that.

I hated that I have these morals. Why do I give a fuck about these people? Why did their stories of parents abandoning them, stories of isolation, stories of oppresion, made me cry? Why do I sympathise with them SJWs so much? My country says it so, theyre immoral, and selfish, and materialistic. Do i really belong here, then?

I think these newly developed morals of mine were the breaking point of my tolerance towards homophobia. And thus towards the common form of Islan. I began to swerve away from it, trying to isolate myself from it. But I didnt realise I still do partake in homophobia, "casual" homophobia if you will, but I quickly depart from that too during my late 17s.

And reading all those debates from the debate an atheist subreddit, learning more and more about mathematics, some surface level philosophy and the sciences, it got me to where I am today. An agnostic atheist.

Welp, that was my personal story. No family drama because I couldnt care less to reveal them (especially during later when I found out how oppresive my country is towards people who were born Muslim but chose to leave it.) Only guy I revealed it to was to my first brother. Via online text. Could tell he was devastated but his girlfriend assured him to accept me. That hug from him during thag day was the best hug I ever had. Still shed tears about that to this dsy :*).

Sorry for the long storytelling, this is actually my first time ever posting something this personal to an online forum. Usually I only tell this to my online friends and online groups, lol.

Apologies if this is bothering you. But for those who arent bothered, thanks for reading it. Makes me feel appreciated in such dire times like these 😊.

For now, thats all from me. Bye bye!!!