f21, recently diagnosed, having meltdowns about it

i struggle with social anxiety and isolation since i was a toddler, i would get to the point that i had frequent meltdowns just for trying to be at school.

now the same is happening in college, i went to class yesterday but i was feeling so overwhelmed i just couldn't stay there, it was one of my favorite classes. I've been diagnosed this week and I'm struggling more than ever, i was already diagnosed with adhd but i always knew i was autistic as well, but being validated by a professional just hits different.

because now i know this world wasn't made for me, now i understand the struggle with social interactions, now i understand the abandonment, the violence, the abuse...

it's been hard because i have literally zero support from family and most of my "friends" just don't care that much and don't have the time for it.

i couldn't go to class today as well, probably because i still feel kind of traumatized because of yesterday and all of the times I couldn't stop crying just for being amongst a lot of people, people i could never interact with properly because i just don't function like them.

i also had a lot of bad dreams, i struggle a lot with transitions, tried to make myself get up, get a shower, put on clothes and just go to college, which today sounds a lot like walking through the doors of hell. i just couldn't do anything, i feel like the most repulsive human being ever, it's a relieve to be finally validated but i also feel kind of doomed now.

I don't really blame myself that much for not being capable of some things, but i really really wish i was, and it breaks my heart to not be capable of attending classes or jobs that frequently my whole life, because it always depresses me to force myself through social anxiety, exclusion, panic. this way of life wasn't made for me or to some of us.