44[M4F] #EU #UK - I wonder if she is out there ?

hi

For me this all started
when I was a teen. I got curious one day and went off to my sisters room and
found myself trying on a few things. Not expecting the "reaction"
that my body had. It became something that I really enjoyed. Since then it has
become apart of me. I have dressed as a girl on and off in my life because well
eventually I get overwhelmed, scared and then I stop until it rears its head
again.

Over the past few months
it has returned. It is stronger then ever before, but this time I just can not
get myself to go out and buy something for myself even if it is just something
to wear while I'm at work. As a male, yes there are the social emotional traits
that one has and it is expected for a male to only have those feelings. I have
come to find that this feminine side that comes out from time to time, is
perhaps my feminine emotions trying to come out or manifest the only way she
knows how. So for me this whole thing is not just sexual but it is also
something emotional. I'm battling though to find someone that I can be
vulnerable with or rather vulnerable enough so that I feel comfie to exploring
these feminine emotions. My play ranges from wanting to feel sexy, in that case
would wear nice lingerie's and sexy things. To where I want to feel total
vulnerability to the point where lil girl barbie, bambie, my lil pony panties
sound like a great idea and want to be held and made to feel safe as a real
mother would with her little child even to the point of breastfeeding total
vulnerability that bond. I'm sure whoever a mother here will understand what
I'm getting at.

I'm taking this so seriously that I'm even
going to therapy to try to understand what is going on and maybe the origins of
it. It is going ok I suppose but to hear all this coming out of my mouth, being spoken out loud is something that is daunting and I won’t lie it is very scary. The person that I’m seeing is very understanding, extremely patient. I have been going for about a month now and only in the last session did I start to stay things regarding this.

In any case, I hope to find someone that can help me. To truly take the role that needs to be taken. I am not sure what I need, but my mind wants to say that you should know what that is lol, sorry if that sounds rude but this is about being real. This isn’t just some one-time thing or some sort of fling that will fade out, well at least I don’t think so. Someone committed would be nice, someone that won’t ghost me. Just remember I have feelings, I do get hurt and I don’t want to experience that anymore than you do.