suppressed memory makes me angry for always being the victim

A couple years ago I had an experience that still randomly gives me anxiety attacks, like today during an immunology lecture.

I was out with two coworkers/friends. I was around 21, one friend was a 29-year-old gay guy, the other was my female friend. We went to a couple bars, had a good time. At the end of the night, the guy couldn’t drive home, so he stayed at my apartment. Tiny place. He slept in the living room.

We smoked some of my weed and apparently it hit him way harder than expected (weird, since we were just talking about knowing your boundaries when it comes to drinking or smoking…). We were sitting on the couch and suddenly he got on top of me and started aggressively making out with me. He was skinny too, but still heavier than me, and I remember not being able to physically get him off me at first. I eventually got away and locked myself in my room.

What sticks with me isn’t only fear. It’s what happened afterward.

I acted normal.

When he asked for a blanket, I brought him one. Even though I was scared for my life and could not fall asleep that night, the thought of me not doing what he asked for made me think that he might do something worse to me.

The next day I acted friendly. He was a manager at work and I continued working there for another year and a half. He apologized at some point and somehow we all even went on vacation together afterward.

From the outside, it probably looked like no big deal. That’s what I wanted it to seem like.

But I think my brain decided in that moment that staying agreeable was the safest option. Don’t escalate. Don’t upset him. Don’t make things weird. Keep the peace and survive the night.

The scary part is realizing how much of my life works like this.

I freeze, appease, stay friendly, minimize things, and then later I’m full of panic and resentment because I never actually got to react honestly in the moment. It’s like my body learned that compliance keeps me alive, and now it applies that logic everywhere -especially relationships.

I think people call this a “fawn response,” and I’m realizing I don’t even know where the line is between being kind and completely abandoning myself.

Time and time again.