I don't know where else to vent about this, and this has been bothering me since childhood. I don't even have a proper name for it, but every time I look at these paintings, I feel this deep sense of nostalgia wash over me. Honestly, the devotees who painted these beautiful artworks deserve way more appreciation.

The first time I came across these paintings, I was probably around 6–7 years old. I was born into a non-devotee family, but we lived right next to an ISKCON temple, literally just a ten-minute walk away. Since there weren’t many places to explore in my city, I used to go there almost regularly with my father as a kid.

I still remember the multiple book stalls near the entrance gates. The devotees working there were always very kind. They’d indulge my curiosity and let me look through all the art even though I barely understood what was being depicted. I loved flipping through the pages of Srila Prabhupada’s books just to find those paintings.

Seeing how fascinated I was, my mother bought me the Little Krishna CD. It might sound silly, but that series was honestly one of the biggest reasons I even became interested in spirituality. It was the first time I had seen all the lilas from the paintings come to life. I genuinely can’t count how many times I watched it.

But every time I finished it, I used to feel this strange emptiness afterward, which is probably why I kept rewatching it so much. It never got old or boring to me.

The thing is, that series only showed the Vrindavan lilas, and kid me had no idea Krishna eventually leaves Vrindavan. I genuinely thought he probably stayed there forever. A happy ending basically 😭

I developed this strong desire to someday witness those pastimes with my own eyes. I was a very naive kid.

Those things also influenced me to start painting, or at least try to 😭 I wasn't that good back then but I have improved (Last image is my own art)

Then came Krishna and Kans, which was again beautifully animated, but lowkey traumatized me because that’s when I found out Krishna leaves Vrindavan and goes to Mathura. I cried a lot that day lol. Maybe it was the realization that even Krishna’s bhauma lilas had ended at one point, and there’s no way to go back in time and witness Vrindavan lila with my own eyes, at least that's what I knew back then.

I think I had been overthinking these things so much that I ended up getting the biggest nightmare of my life. In that dream, I saw myself entering galaxies again and again, dying, taking birth repeatedly, and a bunch of other things I barely remember now. But I woke up crying and shaking. My mom still remembers it and never forgets to tease me about it 😭

Though that made my interest in Vaishnavism and reincarnation only stronger, even if it started through animated cartoons and random Wikipedia searches about Vishnu avatars. Though after a point, I lost touch with spirituality because of school, and losing my dad made things much harder financially for my mom. Our apartment was on loan, and we still couldn’t pay it properly back then (honestly still can’t fully now, idk how we haven’t been thrown out yet).

Then in class 9, I became interested in spirituality again after a YouTube video of Srila Prabhupada randomly appeared on my feed:  
[https://youtu.be/8Lpc\_RWcif0?si=RWLk5hb\_AryATDER](https://youtu.be/8Lpc_RWcif0?si=RWLk5hb_AryATDER)

At that time, I still hadn’t connected the dots that the man in the video was the same person whose books and paintings had influenced my fascination with Krishna as a child. I was just deeply shocked seeing someone on his deathbed still speaking about scriptures with so much conviction and passion. It made me wonder what exactly he had written in his books that he cared about them so deeply even at that stage of life.

So I bought the Bhagavad Gita and the Krishna Book. Soon after, I gave up meat, onion, garlic, etc. Honestly, none of that would’ve been possible without my mother being so supportive. She never personally cared much for meat anyway, so it wasn’t as difficult for her. 

Now it’s been around four years since then. My mother is an initiated devotee now, while I’m still practicing Krishna consciousness myself (hopefully I’ll complete IDC this year or next year 😭).

Okay, back to the nostalgia thing. I wanted to ask how I’m supposed to deal with this feeling.

Every time I look at paintings of Vrindavan Krishna with His associates, instead of peacefully appreciating or meditating on them, my mind immediately jumps to: “I’ll never get to see this,” and it genuinely hurts.

I know every devotee is striving to go back home, back to Godhead, but that goal feels so enormous compared to my tiny efforts. Sometimes I genuinely feel anxious about it. Like yes, I’ve gotten a human birth now, but what if I fail? What if I don’t get this opportunity again for an unimaginably long time? 

And the thing is I really, really want to see Him. These thoughts have been with me for more than 10 years now. They motivate me, but they also make me anxious sometimes. I just want to know if there are other people who feel this way too.

Sometimes I also get excited wondering about things like: What kind of svarupa would I have there? What do Radha Madhav actually look like? Would I recognize my Guru Maharaj in his Goloka svarupa? Would I have friends there too? Would I meet my mother up there? idk it'd be pretty cool ig

Don't get me wrong I don't try to prematurely indulge in the topics of svarup siddhi etc, I know I have a looonggg way to go, but these topics really interest me.

Also, Aindra Prabhu’s kirtans give me this exact same nostalgic feeling, especially this one:  
[https://youtu.be/ikrhFQhoU4c?si=j1QKD39t-JHZCLj5](https://youtu.be/ikrhFQhoU4c?si=j1QKD39t-JHZCLj5)

Damn, I yapped a lot, sorry if I wasted anyone's time. 

Just a rant about how I came into Krishna consciousness and feeling nostalgia for things I've never seen or experienced