A continuation of my previous post

Link to previous post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimLounge/comments/1t5m0sh/comment/okkrj00/

Thank you everyone that reached out to me on my previous post, i appreciate your time, but I gotta be honest on how I feel.

I think i have fallen into despair with waiting for allahs help. I am done lying to myself and pretending like I believe in him blindly when i dont. Everytime I make a dua and wait for an answer I always tell myself that perhaps the answer is stored for me in the hearafter, but honestly? That is not what I want. I do not trust that allah wants whats best for me. I have been suffering for 4 years and I have been asking for the same dua over and over again and I still cannot get married. I have done everything possible and I still cannot do anything to get married. I want it now, not in the hearafter, not in the future, not to be protected from a pain, i want it now. If allah doesnt plan to give me marriage might as well just take me now, I cannot keep bearing this pain any longer, its tormenting my every thought 24/7 of every single day minute and second of my life. I dont want to keep reading the same words from the quran with the hopes of getting some sort of relief.

What is the damn point of being alive anymore? I already pray, but I am weak, this test is more than I can handle so might as well just fail me allah. I have dedicated everything to you and I am left worse than when I started this journey, and I cannot take it any longer. If being loved by you means to be tested then I dont want love. This isnt what love should be all about, ive already reached rock bottom like 50 times in my lifetime, im 28 and I look 40 from the amout of stress and axniety this has caused me. My life is in ruin right now and I for the love of everything cannot find any joy in anything. If you are there PLEASE just do something. PLEASE