I fucked up and hurt the only person who actually treated me right

I didn’t see it as a relationship but they did, even if it was just online. It started off as transactional, in that I would just talk to them or do other stuff in return for money but we grew closer to the point they wanted a relationship. I hate to say it but I strung them along because I knew we could never actually be together in real life for various reasons.

I guess that’s what lead me back to my own ways where I started doing stuff for money again. He found out, and everything came crashing down on me, as it should have. I know I have no right to be sad but I’ve never felt so guilty and disgusted in myself before. I should’ve just told him we could never be together or get married or that I wouldn’t convert. At least that would’ve been a more honourable ending. I hate that it ended like this and it’s all my fault. I wish I could erase everything I did and have the chance to go back and never hurt them. I didn’t realise how integral talking and being with them was to my day to day life and now I don’t know what to do with this emptiness. Idk why I’m saying this here I guess I just need to get to be publicly shamed