Conflicted about my own feelings (TW: abortion)

Scared and upset with not knowing what to do

This isn’t easy for me at all.
I’ve posted on this subreddit with these questions before but I figured I’d summarize it and explain how I really feel.
I posted on the abortion subreddit and thought people would be able to provide insight but instead I just got verbal attacks in my chats.

I’m 19 weeks and 4 days with a planned pregnancy but I never thought I’d be having these feelings, even at this stage.
All I wanted was to love my baby and I feel so incredibly guilty for not loving my baby.

I found out I was pregnant exactly at 4 weeks and the second I found out I was just flooded with emotions of WTF did I just do. I have so many medical conditions that would’ve prevented me from getting pregnant so I really didn’t even think it was going to happen within the first cycle of trying.
I feel like I’m just having this baby for my partner and the fact he says he’d be completely shattered by me terminating. I don’t feel ready to have a baby but then I hear so many women say nothing ever prepares them for pregnancy and motherhood until their baby is actually here. I’ve been trying to navigate my feelings for so long, constantly asking subreddits if it’s normal to not feel attached to my baby and not love my baby yet. Everyone always says it’s normal to not have those feelings and they usually go away once the baby is here. I’m terrified of what if those feelings don’t go away.
What breaks my heart is that this isn’t my partners first child. He has a 7 year old daughter that was not planned. He has always said he was baby trapped by his ex because she swore she wasn’t ovulating and it happened after the had broken up. A part of me believes him as she was 10 years older than him. He was 23 and she was 33 and had already had a child with another man who was not in the picture. So my boyfriend was with this woman raising her first daughter and then magically unexpectedly got pregnant with her second child as if she didn’t know how babies are conceived. He tells me his ex just had a baby with her ex just for a child support check every month. I don’t know why this would make me feel any better about having a baby with him but I just went with it. I always thought I could be a step mother to someone else’s child but I never imagined having a blended family with someone. Since I’ve found out that I was pregnant, abortion has been on my mind since 6 weeks. Most of the time because I was unhappy with my boyfriend. Some days I get really upset with myself like why did I chose this person with so much baggage and choose to bear his children. I feel like my baby isn’t even special because he already had a baby. Everyone tells me it’s not the same because it’s different, and that he chose to have a baby with me. But nothing about it feels special. I wish I had all the firsts of having a baby with someone who could share that with. My boyfriend has never made me feel like our baby isn’t special to him but I can’t help but feel this way. He missed out on a lot with his daughter especially because her mother basically held her hostage from him from the time she was 6 months to 2.5 years. He says he wishes he never missed those milestones and wished he could’ve experienced raising a child all the way through. Which makes me just feel guilty even more of possibly taking that away from him.
I really just don’t even know how to feel at this point. I haven’t told anyone that I am pregnant because of the fear of not continuing this pregnancy, the horrible relationship I have with my family, the shame, the guilt. Everything.

We found out the gender a few days ago and there was also a lot of gender disappointment I guess. I was really wishing I wasn’t having a girl because then it makes the situation even harder. Two girls fighting over the love of their father. My partner even said he felt as if her daughter would feel a bit jealous. I thought maybe if we were having a boy it’d feel special because it’s something he didn’t get to experience but that’s not even the reality anymore. I’ve come to terms with the baby being a girl, it was out of my control so no point in being upset about it.

Every step of this pregnancy I feel like I’ve secretly been wishing for a miscarriage because then I wouldn’t have to make the decision. I even wondered maybe if the anatomy scan came back abnormal then I could just terminate. But the baby is perfect, the ultrasound was perfect, the genetic screenings were all perfect. Everything points to this being fate and I’m supposed to have this baby as it’s probably my miracle baby.

I know if I did terminate it would break my heart but I do think I would heal. But I’d always have the guilt and wonder what my child would’ve been like. I had one termination when I was 19 and I did want that baby but the relationship was so abusive and my partner at the time basically forced me into having an abortion. I grieved that loss for years. This time it feels so different, I feel like I don’t even want this baby because the situation just feels so fucked up. I think about everything all the time, how his daughter would feel that he went on to have a family with someone else, and be fully present in another child’s life. I fear her feelings even though it doesn’t even concern me. The other thing is we aren’t doing great financially and I didn’t know this at the time but my boyfriend doesn’t always help out with the costs of his daughter. He isn’t on child support and I was under the impression he was helping out with a set amount, turns out the mother has actually been asking for double. If she decided to put him on child support then that’d be all the money we would’ve had for our baby. I feel like she would do it out of spite but then again I don’t know her. I don’t work, i developed functional neurological disorder last year and basically became visually impaired. I can take care of myself but things are difficult and frustrating. I don’t drive anymore so that also makes things harder.
I know my feelings are so complicated and I should really talk to someone but I also fear living in state that has banned abortions would just make things so much more difficult.
I wish I felt like having a baby was the right thing for me and not doubting everyday and trying to suppress my feelings and having to just ignore all my feelings all the time.
If anyone has any words of wisdom or support, I’d really appreciate it. I’m so lost.