How do you handle immigrant parents who think no one is good enough for their child?

Hey guys. I’m an ABCD guy (25M), just graduated with my masters, starting work in a month. My parents came here from India 26+ years ago and raised me with a lot of love. I want to say that up front because I’ve come to realize that their love can be possessive, and I’ve only started seeing it clearly now that I’m in a serious relationship.

My girlfriend (24F) is Indian, studying here. Her family is back in India and she hasn’t seen them in two years. Her dad doesn’t know about me yet because he’s little protective and somewhat status-driven, and she’s waiting for the right moment. The rest of her family knows about me and mostly loves me. My parents just know about the protective bit.

The thing I’m trying to figure out is this superiority energy my parents have toward me, and how it leaks onto her. They hold me in this almost untouchable regard, like I can’t do wrong. I guess it’s fine on its own, whatever. But when my GF makes a joke in front of them toward me like “you’re lucky to have me” (which she is, and I am), they get visibly defensive and correct her. “Actually it’s the opposite.” “Sure, sure.” They’re polite to her face most of the time, but the undercurrent is that she’s lucky to have me and should act like it. She’s noticed and told me she doesn’t like it. I don’t either.

It’s also crossed lines with her family. The second time my parents ever met her, at dinner, my dad, without warning me, started pressing her about when she’s going to tell her dad about me. Then the conversation drifted and he implied her parents were negligent for sending her to the US so young or something. These are two of the most sensitive things in her life that he knew about, and he went straight at them. I’ve raised this kind of thing with my parents multiple times since. They’ve said they’d be more careful. They’ve been somewhat better until now.

Right now I’m visiting them for the month before my work starts. My GF is alone back in the city of our school. Two days in and the separation is already hard cause we basically live together. Here, my dad WFH so I see him all day. My mom goes to work, comes home, we all chill and have some family time for a couple hours before she goes to cook. Yesterday my GF called me while my mom was in the kitchen and we were on for about an hour. I brought the phone out so she could say hi to my parents, and my mom told her, half-laughing, that she “keeps me busy on call so I can’t sit and spend time with them,” and that she’ll “hold her to the same standard when she’s in India around her family this summer to see if she also sacrifices time with her family.” Came across as a joke. Wasn’t one. The situations aren’t even equal though cause my family is here, hers is across an ocean. I held it together, took the phone back inside, and my GF started crying and said it was too much. I agreed.

I think part of what’s driving all of this is that they sense she’s becoming the most important person in my life and that threatens them. They’ve always been very involved with nightly calls, daytime calls, want to know everything, passive aggressive if I miss a night. I’ve had arguments with them about various things over the years and they’ve adjusted in some areas. The superiority thing specifically I’ve never directly named. I’ve been financially dependent on them this entire time and they monitor all my expenses and stuff and will ask me about specific transactions or whatever and it’s reached a point where I’m getting suffocated with them.

My GF wants me to say something to them, but at the end of the month so the visit isn’t ruined. I’m planning to start detaching financially when I begin work: own checking, own credit card, things they can’t monitor, and that’s happening regardless. Honestly I’ve also been thinking about going back early to her. I don’t want to be here right now. Sitting in their house pretending everything’s fine while my GF is alone and being made to feel alone. My parents have been very excited with my graduation but I feel like either just fighting with them right now or leaving early.

My girlfriend has been very patient and tolerant of all this. She’s stuck with me despite this. We really love each order but I’m just so sick and tired of my parents literally screwing up and me needing to address something.

Does conversation ever actually work with the “no one is good enough for our son” energy, or is it consistent boundary-holding over years that does the real work? How do you protect your partner from this stuff without making her feel like she has to manage your parents. For anyone who pulled back from very involved parents after starting work, how did you do it without nuking the relationship. Was it a slow drift or direct conversation? And am I being dramatic about leaving early, or is removing myself from something that’s actively hurting my relationship actually the right move?

Thank you.