Advice regarding contacting family

Hi all

I would like to ask for some advice.

I've been estranged from my family for nearly 7 years of no contact. Following a lot of discussion in therapy, I am considering contacting them, starting with my dad. This is because it aligns with the values I want to live my life by now, and I want to be at peace with them as the human beings that they are, and not live the rest of my life avoiding my past. My family don't pose any direct threat to me.

I am aware of emotional abuse that happened to me by my family. I have very robust coping skills and feel confident I can safely manage boundaries with them.

What is more foggy is that I have many symptoms that indicate CSA, but no memory of it occurring, and if it did, no idea who was the perpetrator.

I've been taking steps over the past month to slowly approach contacting my dad, but am holding off because I don't yet have full whole hearted system consent, but the general feeling is "yes". I have written a letter to send him with my phone number (unsent), and also recently went to a place from my childhood that he took me to a lot.

After both of these actions, I had a dissociative episode the next day (triggered by something unrelated, like an interaction with my partner or a colleague). My system is pretty stable now and I don't often have episodes where a child part gets triggered out suddenly in a state of terror/ not knowing where they are.

The timing of these episodes cannot be ignored, and twice is a pattern.

How to proceed? I can reasonably expect that getting back in touch with my family would bring on more of these kinds of episodes. While this fills me with dread, I also want to live by my values and not shy away from something just because it's hard/painful.

It also feels a bit "all or nothing". Once I send that letter, 7 years of no contact is broken, and I lose that protective control (they don't currently have my number). And if I do that, I want to commit to following through with this. My dad is also a human being, and cutting off contact again suddenly if I got overwhelmed, after opening up that window, would be pretty cruel to him. I don't want to cause unnecessary pain to anyone.

Has anyone else been through something like this? How have you managed it?