Couldn’t take it anymore

I lived my whole life trying to make my mom proud, for her to finally love me just even a quarter of her intense love for his son but she never did ever since I made that mistake when I was a kid. I tried to be the best daughter and student to the point I pushed everybody away because of my mind running constantly from competition, scarcity, and just the need to be perfect so that I don’t have to disappoint her ever again. I am willing to offer my life for her, to live life to serve her, and to only love her. I was the only one who understood her, who truly cared for her but she would rather coddle him, my disrespectful, ungrateful, shit-talking brother who constantly judge, berate, talk her down like she’s not human. It’s like she’s me to him, wanting to get his validation and I couldn’t take it anymore. I am living because of her, I am doing my best because I want to repay and give her the best life but what’s the point of life when she couldn’t see that? All I ever want is to have just enough courage to end me. I know I’m graduating but it’s not like there’s any use for that. Why can’t she just forgive me? Am I really that horrible?