I feel like I’m permanently damaged sexually

When I was young before even starting puberty I’d get raped. Sometimes it would happen like multiple days in a row sometimes even multiple TIMES a day in a row. I feel like it was my “sexual awakening” before that I didn’t know about sex or have any sexual urges yet because I was so young but after a few times that’s when I started to notice it felt good. Still not understanding why but.

I was taught how to masturbate and would do it by choice sometimes even though I was too young to have the urges but I just knew it would feel good once I did it. Once I learned what sex and masturbation and SA was I was disgusted. I stopped masturbating until I started puberty because I was ashamed but once I started puberty I had actually urges so would but would feel a lot of guilt about it and cry.

Now I’m 18 and obviously I’m an adult now. But I’m so depressed. And I feel my sexuality is still stunted. I am almost always thinking about sex it’s intrusive. I want to have sex all the time to the point I’ve hooked up with random people. Which is something I’d never wanted to have done but I don’t have a boyfriend and couldn’t go without having sex. I honestly wish I was asexual. Sex makes me feel gross. Sometimes I’ve wanted to have sex so badly but had to call out because I’m anxious. And every time I DO have sex I feel like a terrible person. Even just masturbating I still cry. I want to go celibate but I know I wouldn’t last more than a day.

Another messed up thing about me is like the kinks I have. Nothing like illegal or like something I’d cut someone off for having if I found out but ones that make me a bit disturbed and maybe I’d side eye my friend and laugh at them about like.

I think it’s a way of me not connecting them to the trauma because I often get flashbacks if there’s not something to distract me like in normal sex.

I’m worried I’m never going to have a normal sex life or even just a normal life in general. I feel like if none of this shit would’ve happened to be I would have a happy life. Not everything would be involved around sex. And I might be in a relationship or at least I might’ve enjoyed having casual sex. Whereas it just feels unsafe. I’m scared throughout it of getting hurt maybe I wouldn’t care so much. Or maybe I’d still be a virgin. That’s one thing that fucks me up I didn’t get the chance to lose my virginity that was stolen from me. It’s taken me a while to get over that. Now I guess I’m a slut anyway so it doesn’t matter.