Being the alchemist

Hey community! This is my first post here. I wanted to write because it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find stories that resemble my IVF journey. I see so many first-transfer success stories dominating the internet, and I wanted to contribute to the other side of the statistics. Hopefully one day this post can become a source of hope in one way or another.

The infertility journey is long, so the post.

I am 35F and have been TTC for almost 3 years, with 2 failed IUIs. I have low AMH (around 1 last year), no significant male factor, no endometritis (latest biopsy was clear), open tubes, and very regular periods. I do have heavy period pain, especially when I was younger, no uterine fibroids inside the uterus, but one large fibroid growing outside. Doctors say it shouldn’t affect implantation, though it may create risks during pregnancy.

Coming from a family with very fertile women, I never imagined I would struggle to conceive one day. I think one thing we do not talk about enough is the deep trauma infertility creates. It truly threatens our identities. I don’t say this to discourage anyone, but because I believe the earlier we face that reality, the kinder we can become toward ourselves. We really need each other’s voices in this process.

So far, I have had 2 IVF cycles.

I started IVF very hopeful and honestly naïve, thinking IVF success rates were almost 100% lol. Media portrayals make it seem like IVF always works and mainly results in twins or triplets.

My first cycle actually started well: 14 eggs retrieved (unexpectedly good for my AMH), 10 fertilized, and then only 2 reached blastocyst while the rest arrested. That was the moment my naïveté met reality. The doctor said both embryos were top quality. They did not recommend PGT-A because I was producing few embryos.

Then came another challenge: transfer itself. I have complex anatomy with sharp angles, and transfers are very difficult for me. While everyone talks about enjoying the transfer moment on the monitor, mine was physically uncomfortable and stressful as the doctor struggled to guide the catheter through what felt like a labyrinth. My beautiful 7AA textbook embryo did not implant, and I cried for the first time during my TTC journey.

After that, I had a hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy (don't talk anout that pain during biopsy). Nothing significant came up except the main suspects: egg quality and difficult anatomy.

For the second IVF cycle, we tried a different protocol. This time the doctor did not want to wait until day 5 anymore, so we planned a day-3 transfer instead. I had 13 eggs retrieved, 8 mature, and 3 day-3 embryos that looked good quality with more than 10 cells (while the rest was slow growers). I agreed to transfer 2 embryos (they initially suggested 3, but I panicked). Again, nothing implanted.

In both failed transfers, my period arrived about 3 days before beta day, which honestly felt a little traumatic both times.

Now we have 2 frozen embryos left, and my brain keeps spiraling around the mystery of never having implantation at all.

Thanks to this community, I’ve learned so much. I’ve read about additional testing people pursued, immune issues, blood thinners, receptivity testing, and many other things that I plan to discuss with my doctor.

One thing I find deeply disturbing is that I have never seen a positive test in this entire journey — not even the faintest line. Part of me almost wished for even a chemical pregnancy, just to know implantation was possible. I know egg quality is everything, but sometimes I wonder: what if there is another missing biological piece no one has found yet?

Sometimes I think we are all a little like alchemists — trying over and over to turn something fragile into gold.

Hopefully one day, we all will.