Feeling guilty

First, I want to say that my son (almost 9 months) is the light of my life. I think about him all day every day. I would do anything for him. By all considerations, he has been a very easy baby (knock on wood).

After my maternity leave, I wanted to stay at work full time, but my body was still exhausted and running on fumes every day. Working a full shift, being the primary parent, and breastfeeding just ran me dry. I asked my employer if I could go part time after a month and they let me. I am extremely grateful for their flexibility because I love my job.

My son is still enrolled in daycare full time. Originally, when I decided to go part time, I wanted to keep him enrolled full time so we had the flexibility to send him to school whatever days we wanted. I was sending him about 3-4 days a week. I usually kept him home one day during the week so I could play with him, make sure he got some good naps (he doesn’t always nap well at school), and so that I didn’t have to pump. I don’t always pump enough to make up for his bottles. My MOTN pump usually fixes that, but not always. So saving a day’s worth of milk was also a perk of keeping him home one day.

My issue now is that I am starting to send him every day, even on my days off, because I’m really enjoying my time alone. After I spend a day tidying up the house, I can have a day to just do whatever I want (in between pumping). I feel awful just relaxing at home without him when I could be spending time with him, taking him on walks, etc. I see him for about two hours in the morning and two hours at night before bed. I see him all weekend (unless it’s my weekend to work). I have the luxury of being part time and I know that a lot of parents that work full time would love to spend more time with their kids, so I feel guilty not taking advantage of the extra time I have that I could be spending with him.

I know I’m not a “bad mom,” but I feel selfish. He does enjoy daycare, but is starting to understand object permanence, so drop offs lead to crying, which is solidifying my guilt.

Can anyone empathize? Can anyone help me reframe my thinking to be more positive? Or am I actually just selfish and should i keep him home more often?