31 f My family made career decisions for me, and now I struggle to trust marriage itself

I grew up in a family where nobody really asked me what I wanted.

My Bade Papa used to teach me maths after retirement, but I was honestly terrified of him. I became so anxious around maths that I barely passed it in 10th. Still, my family decided I would become an engineer. Coaching, entrance exams, college forms — everything happened without anyone asking if I even wanted that life.

I somehow cleared an entrance exam, but I couldn’t survive engineering diploma’s subjects because my basics were weak and my interest wasn’t there. I dropped out and got heavily taunted for it.

Later during graduation, I realised I genuinely liked law. I even cleared the IP University law entrance exam. But when I asked my father for support, he refused. I was young, unaware about education loans, and after being humiliated for asking for help, I dropped that dream too.

Then came the pressure to earn.

I started working at a call center for ₹7k a month, travelling daily from North Delhi to Noida. Most of my salary went into travel, and once I started earning, my family stopped helping me financially too.

Still, I kept improving myself communication skills, certifications, learning on the job and today I earn enough to give myself a decent life. I built that alone, and I’m proud of it.

But emotionally, I think years of this changed me.

I also went through a breakup with someone who promised me a future, and after that my trust issues became even worse.

Now my family keeps showing me men for arranged marriage, but I feel disconnected from the entire process. If I reject someone, I’m questioned endlessly. Their mindset is basically: “adjust kar lo, both of you will earn and manage.”

But my fear is deeper than that.

If tomorrow I end up with someone abusive or deeply incompatible, who will support me? The same family that never supported my choices, education, or emotional well-being?

I do want marriage someday. I want love and emotional safety. But growing up without emotional support has made trusting people especially for marriage incredibly difficult.