Can’t even be a human with the narc

There’s just too much to say. But I’ve realized that our relationship has only worked because of I was submissive and did not speak up or have any human wants/needs. I had to stuff them down because my husband continuously had outbursts and would annihilate every characteristic about myself. Make me feel ungrateful for being a human or stressed out or just not myself.

I’m really tired lately. We have a teething toddler at home who wakes up constantly during the night. I’m absolutely exhausted. My husband has some sort of personality disorder or is just an abuser. Whatever doesn’t matter. He went on this rant this morning about how I need to make our toddler sleep better and how we should make him get accommodated to our lives rather than us accommodate him. How I also need to appreciate the fact and thank my husband for getting to stay at home with our son all day as he’s supported us since our son was born. I’m going back to work full time soon thank goodness.

It’s like I was never complaining. I was just looking tired and was not feeling good about being given another task with our son’s sleep all while I’m completely exhausted.

It’s gotten to the point where I have enough awareness about my husband’s patterns that I no longer want to be married to him. I’m

Not allowed to be myself with him. I have to stuff down all of my thoughts, feelings, wants and true self just to be what he wants. He doesn’t want anyone with negative feelings. He gets upset every time our toddler is upset which is a lot. He doesn’t want me screaming if I see a bug because god forbid I model this for our son. If our son is sad and wants a hug god forbid I hug him.

I understand that by me leaving my husband will definitely engage in post separation abuse. I get that. I’m sure he’ll try and turn our son on me when he’s older. But I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot keep up this facade in this relationship. I’m just so exhausted and done. I hate my husband for all that he’s done to me. I’m so mad that he can turn it on me and make it seem like I’m

Just not appreciative and should thank

Him more. Like I’m some entitled woman. When all I’ve done is be there for him and endure all of his shit.

I’m worried about our son and feel horrible that his dad is like this but I don’t like who I’m becoming while married to this man.