i'm worried about my lack of control

i woke up crying today because i just feel so much shame (29f). i really realized how out of control this is. i'm a bartender full time in a highly populated area and i'm encouraged to drink at work, if i don't spend my days off prepping to take it easy it creates this cycle i just can't get out of drinking all week because i'm financially dependent on an environment that encourages it. people offer me coke constantly and its just hard to get out of this when i'm fucking surrounded by it. whenever i don't drink it seems to disappoint people, because everyone is used to me drunk and happy. so on my off days i isolate myself which is probably adding to my social drinking. i really have no desire to drink when i'm at home or are around people i feel safe with. i think this is just something i started using to cope with trauma at such a young age that i don't know how to stop and now i basically make my living doing it. i don't know what to do. i'm really scared.