After being convinced that I was a monster incapable of love...

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26F here. I've been seeing psychiatrists and therapists for a while now. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with BP2, which honestly checks out between intense depression and full blown hypomania.I was medicated right away and after a few months finally found the right meds at the right dosage for me.

Last year I got out of a long term relationship with someone I loved dearly. We met young, we didn't think anything through. Long story short after two years, I ended up emotionally cheating on him for two weeks and spent the last 1 year and a half or so of our relationship to try and make things right between us (spoiler it didn't work, and he sees me as a fool and a monster - mind you he hid from me from the very start he was chatting other people online, planned date with them and stood them on, and admitted he cheated on me twice during our relationship after I cheated on him). I don't minimize the extent of my actions, I'm so sorry I hurt him.

He thought I had BPD as well as bipolar disorder, and to be quite frank, I thought for a long time it checked out. But still something was bugging me.

We always pathologized each other, I would tell him he was carrying traumas from his childhood, had abandonment issues that I knew I didn't make better, and he thought I was manipulative, abusive, a liar and so on because I had BPD. He told me he would not stay with me if I wasn't properly medicated everytime I doubted the BP2 diagnosis, so I stayed on my meds (thanks god). He also had diagnosed ADHD.

I've had time to think about this, the anger crisis I used to have, the self harming, the screaming and breaking things, all stopped and I've never felt any urges of this kind in my new relationship (6+months).

I recognized myself in some BPD traits but never fully.

Yesterday I told my psychiatrist for the first time specifically about it, what my ex was saying about me, what my symptoms were, what was subsisting (the sudden bursts of euphoria, the passions changing every six months - cooking, working out, running, reading, writing...). But no anger, no self harming, no splitting.

And he told me those reactions I probably made a pattern of when bipolar depression was taking over, and they lingered after the depression was over, that they looked like BPD but they would be much more stable and visible still now if this was it.

Instead he asked about my lack of motivation, the effects of stimulants on me, why couldn't I focus on reading sometimes, how did my studies go and so on. I told him I felt where he wanted to lead me, that I don't have ADHD, I know people with ADHD they're nothing like me, they have it much harder.

Anyways, he told me he thought it would be interesting to think this through, to take time to see if I thought of ways I would compensate and to explore this potentiality.

I still don't know, but a big weight lifted off my chest. I don't stigmatize people with BPD. I just know it didn't feel right for me, I still don't have all the answers, but I feel relieved because finally, some things are making sense again.

My ex sees me as a monster, I feel for him, he thinks I'm incapable of loving anyone, and I was so scared he would be right. That I would never be able to be the right person for myself or for other people. That I would destroy everything every single time. Getting to know myself better, getting into a new relationship so loving fulfilling and respectful where we both feel so aligned, breaks the cycle. I'm sad he sees me this way because even after everything that has happened (and I had it so hard at some points, skipping the details intentionally), I still think of him as a wonderful person.

I have BP2, it's okay, I'll live with it, but no disorder defines who I am and feeling seen and heard and working on it finally makes me detach myself from the unhealthy stigmatization and projections I've been enduring.