Growing my hair out made me realize I'll never be a woman [M 19]

Hii, I just wanted to get something off my chest, I hope this is fine

I've kinda been questioning since I was 13, when I came in contact with queer spaces on the internet for the first time.

There's always been periods of time where I'd just stare in the mirror every morning, extremely unhappy with how I look but not being able to pinpoint exactly what was bothering me. I've just been hating myself for no apparent reason for years atp. I'm (still) not diagnosed, but I'm pretty certain I've had depression in the past (and still do, every few weeks for some weeks). I've always hated how I looked, acted, etc.

I had long hair as a kid. A year-ish ago I decided I wanted to grow it out again, to see if I'd feel better. I really don't.

It feels like it just makes it more obvious that I'll always be ugly, and on top of that, a guy. I have a bad bone structure, a big nose, skin problems, pretty conservative surroundings and workplace.

I'm still not sure whether I'm trans or not, I've just been feeling numb for the past years and filled with self hatred. It's probably easier to get my hair cut short again and be an average guy, instead of a really ugly and probably never passing woman.

Sorry for the uncoordinated rambling, as I said I hope this is allowed here