idk how im supposed to live this way

english is not my first language sorry lol

i dont for how long i felt this way, like i am not supposed to be alive and i should not have been born, i don't know when it started. sometimes it feels like it started when i was 11, or when i was 14 or when i was 18, other times i feel like i've been feeling this way all of my life. what bothers me is that i am not a teenager, i am 22 years old and i feel embarassed that, at my age, i still have suicidal thoughts, like i should be mature now and i should now better, but i physically can't. sometimes something small happens and i'm already there thinking i should just end it all. i still haven't done it, once when i was 19 years old i went to the place i fantasized killing myself in just to see how was it, but i didn't do anything. i don't do it because i'm afraid of ending in hell, i have this fantasy of killing myself only after becoming a truly good person and after leaving enough money for my funeral. i can't have my parents pay for it, we are not in a good financial situation. so i have to keep living. but i don't know why, i'm surprised i'm still alive, i used to think i was going to kill myself after high school and there i am. i also used to think i was not going to survive after december 2023 and here i am. but i don't know how i should keep living, i feel like it's a waste for me to keep living, i feel like i'm taking someone else's space, i feel like my body should be used for something "useful", like i should kill myself and donate my organs for someone else. i know that if i do it, my family, my friends etc are going to be sad, i know that i am loved, i know there are people out here who love and who demontrate that love everyday and i'm glad for this, but i still think that if i killed myself everything would be better. i feel like an impostor, i feel like i should be having "real" reasons for wanting to kill myself, but i just feel this way and i don't know why i've been feeling this for a long time. i think i am just wrong, like there's something inherently wrong with me, with the way i am made, you know? i hate myself so much, i hate the way i act, the way i look like, even thought i tried changing the both of them, but i still feel like i am inherently disguting, i feel like this down to my core and i genuienly don't understand why i was even born or even thought. i also feel empty, i feel like i truly don't care about anything. i have hobbies, i study, i do stuff, but i feel like i'm just pretending to, i truly feel like i hate everything and don't care about anything, obviously i don't say it out loud but i'm always feeling like this. i don't even know if i'm "truly" feeling like this, like i want to kill myself all the time, maybe i'm just trying to get attetion from others, even though i have not told anyway. i also find comfort in imagining my "suicide" or sometimes i have this fantasy of me never existing and it comforts me, i deeply wish i was not here, i deeply wish i never existed, i wish i was never born. i don't know if it's valid to feel like this. i see no future ahead of me and that led me to never "organize" my life. in high school i didn't really care what i was going to study in university because i genuinely thought i was not going to live after graduation. now i don' t really care about what is going to happen after finishing university, i live day by day and i don't know if i'll keep studying, i'll look for a job or if i'll truly end my life. i keep wishing i never existed and i don't see a meaning for my existence. i feel like my existence is, as i said, disguting, meaningless, gross, i feel inherently and down to my core dirty and i feel like it's attached to my body and soul, like i have a repulsing aura. i don't want to bother my friends and family with these thoughts, i know they'll be worried and will try to help me, but i feel like i don't deserve this. i believe that everything would be better if i was never born and i don't know how to fix this without consequences. i just don't know anything lol. sorry for the vent, i'm curious to know if someone else feels this way.