I’m 18 and I feel like I completely lost myself trying to be loved

I feel emotionally exhausted and ashamed of myself because of love and relationships.

I’ve loved 4 guys so far, and every single time I loved with my whole heart. I was never the type to play games or act cold. I always communicated, tried to make things work, forgave, stayed, fought for the relationship, etc. And every single time, I ended up being the one hurting the most.

I begged so many times. I spiraled so many times because of heartbreak. I compared myself to other girls constantly. I stalked socials, reached out when I shouldn’t have, crossed my own boundaries, stayed after disrespect, got fooled, sexualized myself just to feel wanted, and honestly lowered myself in ways that make me feel sick and embarrassed now.

I even SH before because of relationship pain, and I also went through SA, which I think affected me deeply. I feel like all of this changed how I see myself as a girl and as a person.

Now I don’t even like myself anymore. Not because I don’t have a good life, I actually do. I have loving parents, friends, support, enough money for my goals, and a future that’s pretty stable. But internally I feel ruined.

What hurts the most is remembering everything I did for love. And knowing there are people out there who saw me at my lowest and know those things about me. I feel so ashamed and exposed. Sometimes I just want to disappear from social media completely, move somewhere unknown, and restart my life quietly.
I also feel deeply lonely because it seems like everyone around me has “their person” or at least someone who chooses them. Meanwhile I feel like I always love harder than I’m loved back.