i dont feel shame. (Low Fi discussion?)

i'd say i have a relatively strong code by which i judge everyone and everything, including myself. i've built a general moral code... but do i necessarily hold myself to it? not really. not *always.* i won't say i'm a *bad* person, if anything could be so binary, no. but i'm not exactly a good *moral* person, either. i have a tendency to be selfish and quite hedonistic. i'm not self-sacrificing. i dont have bad intentions, i dont *want* to harm others—but what does that matter if my actions are not gonna align? if all is lost at any whim of mine?

i know that i'm selfish. i know im not very moral—i won't justify it; it is thus, by my own code. i do feel ashamed. or rather, think it. im acutely aware of my own shame. i think of the shame, when my mind wills it. it doesn't bog me down, though. my stomach doesn't churn at having to sit with myself. i dont wallow in this shame. i only know it.

it's probably not as bad as i'm making it seem. or am i undermining it here? It's just the general PRINCIPLE of things, ok? my selfishness doesn't manifest in the bodily or mental harm of others, obviously. i'm not a monster. it's still not *moral,* however, as would be the consensus.

i wish i'd wallow. by all rights, i should. as circumstances would have it, i *should* be depressed and bitter and cynical. i'm not. i'm a very positive person, and rather bubbly. i've never lingered on negative emotions much—not when it concerns me. i just rationalize it and my mind promptly processes it (Ti is a bitch). i rationalize me not living up to own moral code by deducing "oh well, im not a very good person then". and that settles it. but i realize that's terrible. im so comfortable with awareness that i really have no prerequisite for change.

i wish i had a higher Fi. i wish i was uncomfortable with myself. i wish everything that was wrong about me would weigh down on me so i couldn't live with myself. i wish i'd *feel* shame.

hah, you'd think i'm sinking in a quagmire of shame right now, as i write. but i'm not. all i feel is minor frustration.