debilitating emptiness and need for constant stimulation

This comes in waves, but I have periods where I avoid being alone at all costs. I avoid going home and being faced with the pile of chores I’ve neglected, and I crave constant connection to a debilitating point.

I invested months of energy into an unrequited on/off crush that sucked my soul and regurgitated it back in the form of completely immersing myself in her friend group (not even on purpose) and desperately craving social outings.

When I think about reality and all the responsibilities I’ve stalled (mainly) due to my unhealthy fixation on my crush, it’s impossible to even begin working. I’m filled with an irritation that makes my skin crawl or get random flashbacks of embarrassing things I’ve done/said.

If I can’t think of her, then what do I have? My friends eventually go home and have busy lives. I’m supposed to as well, but I “only” exist when I’m around other people. Seeing her used to send me into a pure rocketship of joy, and now it’s simply…tame and hopeless (yet I still cling to the dead fantasies I created).

I have no motivation to do anything. I’ve started to care less and less about the consequences of my procrastination and I lay in bed, staring at my calendar, thinking about the next time I’ll see her (or anyone in general).

I’ve always tried to fill this gaping void of paralyzing “nothingness” with a source of stimulation (love, substances, junk food, gaming) that eventually expires and I’m left in this limbo of … emptiness.