Unspeakable heartache

There are still good people in this world. I'm so lucky to meet them, know them, make memories with them but because they are good people, I don't wish to hurt them.

Before I even get a chance to hurt them, I'll do my best to leave them no matter how much I need and want them to stay.

It's being aware that I find safety in an unpredictable environment rather in a supportive and loving environment.

It's understanding that a healthy environment trigger me because that was the norm of what I had when I was younger. This is what it's like to have a disorganized attachment whether I like it or not.

One day, I'm very firm with leaving and ghosting, feeling not a single bit of affection or love. It doesn't bother me at all and I probably won't be writing this kind of pain because there's just no pain or feeling.

Another day, like today, I feel so much so overwhelmingly like my whole world is crushing. My heart is stabbed with multiple daggers all at once, longing for connection but knowing this feeling won't last.

It's wanting to be the bad person before becoming the bad person. It's wanting to feel safe with my own body without really having a supportive or loving environment. It's making peace with myself.