SICK ASS RELAPSE - WANT THAT SOBER FEELING AGAIN

Okay so in 2024, I was at a super dark point in alcoholism. I was stuck on what I call, a loop. I'm 42, male. Grew up with the backyard shows scene and only drank beer for the most part. Starting around 16ish. Just giving a background really quick. I'm a musician, or at least I was at one point. A drummer. Anyway, one time when I around 20 years old, we stole a handle of southern comfort. We thought we were rock stars. Fucking watching Pantera videos, shit any band videos on tour and they would get trashed. Anyway, we got so fucking sick that night from drinking, everyone threw up. I swored I'd never drink hard liqour again. But, I would still drink beer after that night. Nothing crazy, mostly at shows or band practices. Anyway, fast forward to covid lock downs... I hated getting beer and going back for more because I was just bored. Took on gaming and buzzed gaming was fucking rad. So, I decided to get a bottle of Jameson one night thinking I could ration it. Fuck, worst choice I have ever made. The bottle would last a few days at first until it became a bottle a day. Switched to vodka because I read it gives you less of a hangover because it has less of the congeners compared to whiskey. I'd never had hangovers up to that point and my hangovers would be crazy. I would go to the ER many times because it was that nuts. Anyway, here comes the loop I mentioned. I would literally drink 24/7. Morning, noon, night, shit middle of the night.... just to feel "normal". I had a crazy hangxiety episode where I called my brother because I thought I was going to die. Straight up die because of the loop I was in. I went to the ER that day. I told the nurse I had a problem and wanted to check into some type of rehab. They gave me a room for 3 days and helped me detox with meds. In the detox, I met nurse who introduced me to my A.A. sponser. I did the whole A.A. thing and it worked. I became sober for 6 months... developed a solid base outside of the rooms. Anyway, my girlfriend and I started having intimacy problems. Sobriety took away my "wild side" lol. We tried a few things but I couldnt enjoy it or be as crazy as I was. So, one night said fuck it, I'll drink a few beers and see where it goes. This is now Jan 2025. It worked. But now I got the taste and feeling back, I just kept drinking. At the time it was only once a week. Once a week turned into a few days a week. Then daily.... I was functioning okay. But a couple weeks ago, I got over on how long it took me to get my "perfect" buzz. I would feel bloated AF downing beers. Gained like 40 Lbs from it. So, I said fuck it one night and bought a half pint of Jameson. That half pint turned into 2 that night. After that, I was hitting at least 400 ML per night and the hangovers started coming back. Hangxieties to max. So, I did the old stupid technique of switching to vodka because it contained "less congeners". Im back in the loop. Im buzzed right now. I want to tell my sponser but I have been lying about this for almost 2 years now. I hate this shit. Whomever said life is fun sober is a liar. Sobriety sucked because I damaged my brain. I felt weird sober. Yes, felt healthier but everything was dull and knowing fighting to not drink for the rest of my life seemed crazy. But, I know I need to be sober to be on this earth longer. And I fucking hate the loop. Its expensive, Im lying to everyone on how good I am and Im just over it. Just ranting here because I have no one to really tell the truth to. Maybe I should start with my sponser but I dont have the guts to. I also dont want to indentify in the meetings. People say no one judges but they do. I have. We have. "Oh, there goes mr relapse" damn... just want an outlet to say something to whomever reads this. I think Im ready to break free from this loop. Although it felt dull sober, I think feeling dull is far better than being dependant on a liquid............