Mother's day is always hard for me. I don't want to spend it with one of my kids, I want to spend it with both 😢

I fucked up and had two kids out of wedlock with two different guys.

One of my children's dads work with me. He helps me with my bills still. He lets my son come visit me more often than not and helps transport my son back and forth when I don't drive and I'm not able to. He is 4 and autistic but he actually involves me so much more. We broke up and got evicted from our place with our son and share him.

My son doesn't live with me because his dad makes more and has a better support system for him over there. There is no court order saying how time should be split up yet we communicate.

My other child however? Her dad doesn't go out of his way for me at all. There's a court order for joint custody and I get treated like I barely exist. My daughter is supposed to be there for me on mother's day but becauS I'm 8 hours away in a different city, he doesn't go out of his way. He's working and is able to help me see my daughter more but he doesn't.

This is the 3rd year I haven't seen my oldest for mother's day since moving away because of my eviction.

I can't even celebrate without feeling guilty about it.