My friend keeps being unreliable while cat-sitting, am I justified in being upset?

I have two cats, so whenever I go on vacation or away for a weekend, I need to arrange a cat sitter. I’ve asked a good friend a few times now, because she herself has always said she really enjoys it and loves cats, and that I can always ask her.

However, over the last few times — including yesterday again — there have been several situations where agreements weren’t really kept, and I’m wondering whether my feelings about it are justified. This will probably be a long story, sorry about that, but I want to explain it properly.

To understand the context, it’s important to know that she has extreme ADHD and is very much a type B personality. I, on the other hand, am punctual and definitely type A. I think that may also be part of why we don’t fully understand each other in situations like this.

So, the situation:

Three weeks ago I went on vacation for 5 nights. She was going to look after my cats, which basically meant coming by every evening after work, or a little later, to feed them, clean the litter box, and give them some attention and cuddles.

The first two evenings she only stopped by very briefly: food, litter box, leave. But on the second evening she told me she had to leave quickly because of a dinner appointment, and that she would spend more time with them the next day. Okay, fair enough, I thought, and nice that she was taking that into account.

The next day comes, and I hear absolutely nothing from her all evening. I start getting worried, because she normally messages a lot and sends photos and videos. Eventually, around 11 PM, I finally hear from her — her phone had broken. I was mostly relieved to hear something, and I asked how things went with the cats, since she had said she’d stay longer that day. She replied: “Yeah it was fine, I just stopped by quickly but all good!”

At that point I thought: okay… you said you’d stay longer, but fine. Nothing I can do about it now, let it go, because I didn’t want to make an issue out of it while I was away anyway.

Then I told her that I really missed my cats, and asked if she could maybe send me some photos and videos the next day. She said: “Yeah of course, I totally get that, I’ll go there first thing tomorrow morning!”

Okay, next morning comes. I’m expecting a message with photos and videos. It becomes noon, then 1 PM, then 1:30 PM, and still nothing. Eventually I text her asking if everything is okay because I haven’t heard anything. She says something came up at work that she had to deal with, but that she would go there directly at 3 PM.

Again, I spent the whole morning stressed and unable to enjoy my vacation because I heard nothing. In the end it was okay, and she stayed with my cats all afternoon that day, which was good. But honestly, I would have preferred if she had just sent me a quick message saying it would be later, or if she hadn’t been so specific beforehand about when she’d come over if she wasn’t sure she could actually make it happen. Because I hold onto those expectations, and then I get anxious when I hear nothing.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. It turned out fine, and I didn’t bring it up afterward because I thought I’d address it another time if I went away longer again.

Now this weekend:

I was away from Saturday morning until Sunday evening, and I asked her to stop by Saturday to feed the cats. Just feeding them, nothing more. She said she would come after work, so around 6–7 PM.

Yesterday evening (Saturday), again, I heard nothing. That happens more often with her, and since this was only supposed to be a short visit, I tried not to worry too much.

Until suddenly at 10:30 PM I get a message saying she had been out with coworkers after work and still hadn’t gone to my place yet, asking whether I was already home and whether she still needed to go.

I replied that I wouldn’t be home until the next day, and that it was important she went because otherwise my cats wouldn’t have food. At 10:30 PM she replied saying she was going now.

I live only a 5-minute bike ride from the city center, and she works in the center, where she still was at 10:30 PM. Since she was already very late and hadn’t done what we agreed on, I assumed she would understand that she should quickly go to my cats now. We had an agreement, and she was supposed to go after work. I asked if she could send me a photo once she got there so I could relax.

Twenty minutes later, 10:50 PM, and I still haven’t heard anything. I ask what time she’s going. She replies: “In a minute, but I need to get my bike.” Her bike was in the city center, which is maybe a 5-minute walk away. Realistically, she could have been at my apartment within 10 minutes.

It becomes 11:15 PM — almost another half hour later — and I still haven’t heard anything. At that point I honestly felt it was getting too late. The agreement was after work, not close to midnight. I wanted to go to sleep and didn’t like the feeling of still not knowing whether she would actually go to my apartment. Also, it’s confusing for my cats at that time.

I have an automatic feeder, so I adjusted it to give them some extra food the next morning at their regular feeding time. Then I texted her saying I’d rather she didn’t come anymore because it had become too late, and that I’d just give them extra food in the morning.

She replied: “Sorry!!!” I told her that honestly I wasn’t very happy about it. She responded saying she hadn’t planned for this to happen, and that now I didn’t want her to go anymore, so she didn’t know what she was supposed to do.

I replied that when we make an agreement, I count on it. That by now it had become way too late, and also that it had already been an hour since she first messaged me. I told her I found it upsetting that at that moment she apparently didn’t consider it important enough to immediately go to my cats — she could have been there within 10 minutes — especially since she was already late according to our agreement. And that because of that, I unfortunately feel like I can’t really rely on her.

So this is the current situation. I haven’t heard anything from her today, and I’m wondering whether my reaction was justified.

Because in my mind: if someone truly finds me and our agreement important, then they make time for it. That’s part of friendship. I can’t imagine that during an evening out with coworkers she couldn’t quickly go back and forth to take care of my cats and keep her promise.

To me, it feels like she shifts responsibility away from herself by saying she “didn’t plan this,” but that doesn’t really help me when I’ve entrusted the care of my cats to her at that moment.

I also know about myself that I handle commitments like this differently: I take them seriously, and people can rely on me. I feel like she approaches it much more casually.

Sorry again for the long story. I’d really like to hear what you all think about this, and whether you would have reacted the same way if you were in my shoes.