I've found someone better but I just cant move on. Hate myself for being a hypocritic.

I(23) got close with a girl(M,23) last year (whom im still talking with). Things just sparked up so fast we didnt know where we were headed. We had no label but our friends labeled us as a couple.

A little bit of backstory, Im a guy who grew up fat but then turned my life around. So in my earlier life, I had little to no female interaction. Let's just say she called dibs on me at the right time. We were moving so fast like we were hanging out often and doing couple stuff when we were "just friends". The chemistry was amazing-the eyes, the touch. Everything. The whole package. She picks me up, we will grab food, then we hit the supermarket, grab a tub of ice cream and eat it at the local park. We go to movies and just stroke each other's thigh.

Now, I never confessed my feelings for her. Turns out she has a bf whom I share mutual friends with. All of a sudden she introduces me to him. Me and M and talk for hours on call and text all day long and all night. Shes still the first person I text every morning and last one I hit up before going to bed.

There's that.

I kept M on the sidelines while I kept going out and hooking up. She knows I'm into casual stuff because thats exactly the reason why started talking to her. She things I'm some sort of stone hearted guy because every time she opens up, I just sit there and give her the pity eyes. Mostly because I dont want to say the wrong thing.

We text on Snapchat coz she doesn't want her bf to see our chats.

One day she me while I'm taking the commute and said she called me coz she was walking home and wanted someone to talk to. We ended up circling back to relationship talks and somehow...someway she asked me if I'd cheat. Thats weird because I was talking to someone and she knew it. I just said I'll answer that when I get home and got off the call. I am not proud of it but I've cheated by hooking up with a married woman in her late 30s. M knows that as well.

By now I had a clear idea that M is not the girl whom I thought she was. She's caring and everything but....she just talks to a lot of guys.

I still kept hooking up and M wants to know everything about my encounters.

Fast forward to Jan 2026, I met a really good girl(A, 20). Shes a proper Christian girl. Conservative and soft spoken. Not clingy at all. I introduced her to M. They talked for a day or two then A stopped talking to M.

Me and A chat everyday. She's receptive and its going good.

M and A are polar opposites of each other. M is a party girl who goes out drinking, city chick, has lot of guy friends and is chasing a guy with money because she knows she has no future of her own. Likes attention on social media.

A likes to stay in, cook for her family and play violin and keyboard. She bakes. She has no guy friends. She's in bed by 9. Sleeps till 9 in the morning. Attends church every Sunday. She even wished me the first thing on Easter.

Now I know A is so much better for me but I just cant move on from M even though we share nothing except a good chemistry which is likely dying(I dont want it to). I keep crying in the bathroom because A is everything i want but I cant get over the possibility that I could've gotten M if I had just been open with her earlier and not acted all cold and nonchalant.

M is a really good friend who understands I am not feeling good by just looking at me or hearing my voice over the call. I like that she's noticing it about me. I am not on good terms with my family. Im living by myself. Shes the only one im being as open I can possibly be. I still hide things from her but those are the parts I keep for myself. I want to tell her but she's only human and humans lose interest when we open up too much.

I am confused and been smoking a lot for past 2 weeks. Im essentially running on black coffee, cigs and protein shake. I gave up drinking and weed because M asked me to. A doesn't even know that I drink and smoke.

Friend of my friend just hit M up on Ig yesterday and im still pissed off about it. I talked to M about it and while we were having the conversation I fell silent and M noticed it. She asked me if im upset about. I said no but deep down I am.

I dont want to lose A either. I cant lie- I dont have a lot of guy friends. I only hangout with female friends of mine.

I know I'm no saint. Ive done my fair share of mistakes. But I want to turn over a new leaf. With A in the picture. Just me and A. I'd give up drinking and smoking completely for her. Im already praying everyday. I'm making myself a better man for her. Ive blocked and deleted the contacts of my hookups. Even if they hit me up, I seen zone them.

I feel a strong hatered for myself when I realize that I've found what ive been looking for but I cant let go of the past. I want to keep the friendship with M as well.

I know I'm a hypocritic but aren't we all?