I fantasize about having an open family

I (28M) fantasize about having an open family. My step-sis at the time and I would always be sexual with each other until our parents started to get suspicious and then we fully stopped before they found out. No penetration was involved since we weren’t fully confident in crossing that boundary yet and we were both barely into high school. My mom also caught my cousin and I making out and she’s kept a close eye on me ever since. We were both very young at the time. Elementary school young.

I think this all started when my cousins on my dad’s side and I would shower together. Our family encouraged it and actually made us do it. It was 2 other girls and myself. They would touch my dick and play around with it but none of us knew what we were actually doing. Just messing around in the bath. I got hard but didn’t really understand what was happening as I had never been hard before. I also lost my virginity when I was 5 to a girl who was maybe in high school. We were playing truth or dare and she had me clothing piece by piece. She did the same. I never told anybody this. While I was a freshman, my new cousin (not blood related but cousin-in-law (?)) wanted to watch porn with me and I agreed. We were super horny and I know we both wanted to mess around but morals got in the way so we didn’t. But the tension has always been there.

I think this sexual trauma is the reason why I want an open family so much. I know it’s wrong but my brain is now wired that way since all this happened to me throughout my childhood. I want to have that bond with my daughter (childless rn) because I know the emotions involved are on a completely different level than an ordinary relationship. It sounds so bad even talking about it. I would never imagine bringing my daughter into this world just to try to have that certain bond with her. But if she ended up making a move on me (18+ ofc), I feel like I would give in because this fantasy has been rooted in my mind for so long.