Farewell

Hello. It'll be over soon for me so I figured I'll just share some stuff with you guys.

I'm Chris, 31. Introvert. Born in a fucked up family. All I have was my mom although I grew up away from her. She was my everything. Lahat ng pangarap ko sa buhay, lahat achievement na gusto ko maabot, it was all for her.

Growing up, nakasandal ang buong pamilya nya sakanya. She has to provide for everyone. Even my cousin's education. Even their basic needs. At naiintindihan ko yun kaya I made sacrifices myself. I settled for a less expensive course when I was in college and studied in a public school. I declined my mom's offer to study in La Salle and stayed in Bicol.

My mom works in the US, we were both green card holders. She worked 3 jobs and a nursing student at the same time while supporting everyone.

I studied my 9th grade in the US and I saw all her hard work. May mga araw na 2 hours lang kami nagkikita. And it brings me to tears whenever I see my mom buy all her clothes in thrift shops samantalang ang mga pinapadala nyang damit samin is puro branded.

It really broke me when I lost her. I was in 2nd year college that time. I was not prepared to live alone in the US but I did it anyway. I had to face the world without my mom and nasa ibang lugar pa ako. I was scared. But I have to do it alone.

I blamed everyone. I hated everyone. Pero wala silang narinig sakin.

Ang hirap mag isa, lalo na when you're also grieving. Alam mo yung magmemessage lang sila sayo pag may kailangan/mangungutang?

Pero tiniis ko lahat. Sinolo ko yung depression. Yung anxiety. Yung stress.

Oo, you can say na there was a time where I can buy anything I want (I worked in hotels as a front desk, kitchen staff, housekeeping), pero it never made me happy. I was never into material stuff. I've always value family more than anything.

At some point I also tried working 3 full time jobs all at the same time, lol.

For almost 6 years tiniis ko. Hanggang sa hnd ko na kinakaya. I was already contemplating suicide that time. I decided to just go back to ph and give up my residency.

Pero I didn't reach out to anyone. Tumayo pa din ako ng ako lang. I worked in BPOs.

Pero parang hnd ko pa din tlga kaya.

That's when I decided to reach out to my relatives.

Dun na nagkaleche leche ang buhay ko HAHAHA

Dun ko naranasan yung gabi gabi kang paparinggan at ipapafeel sayo na pabigat ka.

Dun ko din naransan na pag iisipan ka ng masama ng sarili mong kadugo.

Sasabihan ka pa na hindi mo minahal nanay mo HAHAHA

Tinry ko naman pakisamahan pero ang hirap.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar.

Kahit may trabaho na ako and plan to support them, wala pa din.

It feels like I am nothing without my mom. Parang hnd ako kadugo HAHAHA

Kaya ayoko na.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always a good person. I made so many mistakes in life and I don't blame anyone as to why I'm here. This is on me.

I'm just tired of life. Siguro nga, if given the chance, things might get better, pero honestly, ayoko nang malaman pa. Ang alam ko lang pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na.

Sorry sa lahat ng mga nasaktan ko. Sorry sa lahat ng mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang ko.

Sorry sa lahat.