I’m losing myself

Moreso a letter to him rather than seeking advice, but you’re welcome to provide input. I just don’t know how much I can explain/describe how I feel in coherent words.

We’ve been in a secret relationship for the past 2 years. To put it simply, our friends can’t know because we are afraid of what they say. As a result, we don’t show any affection when we are together with friends (which is a lot of the time). Thing is, he takes it way too far when I want to give/receive love. Often I’ll give him a quick smile, but he just has an indifferent look, or just looks away on his phone. Not a care in the world, even when I’m visibly upset by it. I’ve told him so many times, if we are going to be public you can’t always seem so repulsed by me. It hurts me so much and u being like this isn’t worth it. I’m so tired of it why do you do this. When we are together, ONLY in bed, you give me love. You cuddle me and give me all the physical touch. We don’t have sex, we haven’t had sex in almost a year because my previous ex was sexually abusive and I can’t seem to get it up anymore. He said he’s completely okay with it, I do get upset with him Everytime he tries to go up my shirt but ok that’s a diff story. My issue is that he can’t give me love in any other context. Sometimes when we are out by ourselves, he’s very low energy. We work together and I try to talk to him but he barely gives me any energy, compared to other coworkers he talks to them. When we hang out w our friends he genuinely just doesn’t give me any attention. I’ve adapted to not focus on him so much, spent more time talking to others but it’s always in the back of my mind. What can else can I even do?? He says he still loves me a lot, I’ve tried to talk to him abt how I’ve been feeling and I always cry and ask if he still loves me and then he gives me the reassurance. It feels real. I believe him, then I get surprised by his actions and it’s just so hurtful. It’s been like this for way too long. 2 fucking years. It hurts so bad. On my private TikTok account w like 10 ppl, I just shit post and make funny crying videos. It’s to help me cope bc I have no outlet. I have no friends to talk abt it with, I’m dying inside. I can’t talk abt it with my boyfriend and that’s the worst part. I feel so fucking alone even when I supposedly have my best friend that’s meant to be there for me. He doesn’t care or mention or ask why I was crying he doesn’t care at all. Why doesn’t he care? Why can’t he love me?? I can’t and I don’t want to leave him. I just want him to love me. I know it’s my fault that he’s like this. I hurt him in the past bc I was too needy and asked him for too much, he used to spend most nights at my house just bc I wanted him too. He resented me for that so I’ve toned it down a lot. Im not bringing up how I feel abt this as much, I think it’s been a week or 2 weeks since the last time. It’s killing me inside so much. I know if I bring it up it will be the same. I try so hard to be happy and I bring the energy all the time whenever he’s not feeling it. When he doesn’t match my energy it kills me and I just can’t anymore. He’s so avoidant, he brings up nothing he has a problem with. He’s only brings it up when we get into a fight and he weaponises it. He knows he does that, he’s said it. He says I’m rlly defensive when he does and that’s why he’s never brought things up for the past year or so. I tell him why can’t he bring it up normally, not in an argument when we are already very emotional… I believe that I can take his criticism, if he just says it. I can’t do this anymore. Sometimes I wish he could figure out whether he loves me or not. He says he loves me and I believe him, I know he’s genuine. But doesn’t mean I can live with just “I love you” I need to see it reflected in his actions. Might as well tell me gravity doesn’t exist and let me live every day seeing the opposite yk. Just tell me if u rlly love me and spare me all this pain. I don’t want to waste another relationship. I don’t want to bring home another guy to meet all my family. I can’t. I’m losing myself so much, I’m so fucking depressed all the time and you don’t even care. I can’t consider this a relationship anymore because you’re meant to be my support system. I shouldn’t feel so alone. I know you’re probably feeling alone, I just wish u would talk to me so we can fix it. I can’t be bothered doing uni anymore bc I feel so unmotivated and depressed. Please just give me something to live for, or work for. I don’t know what’s going on in ur head truly. If there’s nothing going on there, that’s so much worse because u know how much I’m breaking and u can’t even spare me a thought. I just want to distance myself for a week, maybe he will notice. I cannot do this anymore. Tell me if I’m really the one you’re looking for. Am I too childish for you? I’m just trying to have fun. I’m sorry. I hate myself so much, why just why. I know I won’t ever be able to leave you, I’m still trying for us. I won’t give up until every piece of me is exhausted or you end things for us. Not at all what I want to happen, my world will end if that happens. I’ve sacrificed so much for us. But if I’m not making you happy, then so be it. I love you

I guess I am looking for some input if anyone reads this. Has anyone been in his situation? Why has this happened? How can I fix it?