Ive ruined my life and idk how to undo it

My bf was a really bad person to me, he cheated twice, hit me once and emotionally manipulated me multiple times. I left twice and always came back for some stupid reason. I dont understand why Im still so in love and why i still feel so safe around him when im clearly unhappy with him.

The second time we broke up and got back together, all my friends left me and now I have no one. I understand my friends I really really do and I dont blame them I just really miss them.

I hate how my life is looking rn, I barely have any friends and I only have a boyfriend that Im not even sure I wanna be with. Everytime I think about breaking up or slightly mention it I get a response of ”why are you doing this to me?” or ”promie you have no plans on breaking up with me?” and I promise bc if I dont hes gonna get sad and all that. I feel so stuck, like if i break up with him now I first of all wont have anyone left at all and secondly I dont even know if im able to leave bc Ill be painted as the bad guy if I break up with him.

Idk what to do or what to say or how to live like this. I just want to feel free again, like I did at the start of our relationship. I want to feel uplifted with love and affection not feel like its something I have to do. I miss being around my bf and feeling like everything in the world is perfect now everything just feels so empty anf like Im reading from a script so I dont say something that hurts him or dont say/do enough of something that he wants.

I just want my old life back and I really really want my friends back