I'm so tired of this

My parents have been gone at our place of worship and I watched the worship on Zoom and I ripped up my lips because I'm anxious and prayed over and over could the building not explode and I'm crying right now because I am so afraid my parents aren't making it home and I swear I will hear an explosion any second. I am so tired of being afraid all of the time and I'm embarrassed because my mum worries when my lips are all bloody and I don't want her to feel bad.

I'm also scared that I'm faking this and I'm crying just for an invisible audience and really I'm trying to manipulate my loved ones and all of my therapists and doctors because really nothing is wrong with me.

I'm so so tired. I need more help. :(

Wondering if I'll be diagnosed my next psychiatrist appointment. My therapist thinks I have it.