I blackmailed my groomer into staying with me.

I dated this man when I was 12 and he was 19. We stayed together until I turned 18 with a lot of breakups in between that. When I was 15 we were in a period of not being together but being “friends with benefits” we met up to do the benefits and also went out to a sports thing he liked to do. During this meet he kept talking about a girl he was supposedly talking to but wasn’t sure if he liked or not. Something in me just knew it was a child when he told me about her parental issues and ‘bpd’ so I paid close attention to him while he was on his phone and found out his password. He went off to do his sports thing and I went on his phone while I had unmonitored access. It was a child. I broke. Entirely. It was the first real moment I saw what the entire relationship was. I saw who he really was and I knew the only reason we had even “broken up” was because I’d refused to do something sexually his new victim was willing to do. I beat the shit out of him and he took it because what else was he supposed to do. He was scared I’d tell the police and I really really wanted to. But I just couldn’t. Ik that sounds stupid but I just couldn’t I wasn’t ready to face it. I took pictures of all the chats made him block her and checked his phone whenever I felt like it including when he wasn’t with me I’d have him screen share and show me everything I made him block anyone under 18 and didn’t even care about the “cheating” when it was with age appropriate people. I fully monitored this man and every time he tried to leave I told him he wasn’t allowed or I’d go to the police. Now I’m kind of scared this is going to look shit on me at court. It probably will I doubt many will understand where I’m coming from but to me it felt like the only way to keep people safe from him. I acted as his own personal prison for the next three years. I was so bad emotionally I became the abusive one. I took £6k from him and his sanity. Now I’m going through the process of getting criminal justice. The last thing he said to me was “you win” I haven’t. I want to kill myself every day. Every time I close my eyes and feel him touching me. I haven’t won. But I will.