Dodged a bullet ?

I had a crush on someone for the first time in years and then I broke it off after 20 hours. I heard him say he was an avoidant before but i was not scared as i felt avoidant myself these past years :

I've been blocking myself from feeling any romantic or sexual attraction since 2022, when I finally dumped my avoidant ex-girlfriend that broke me.

Since then, i try to progress in my life without being distracted by any crush, and prioritize friendships, work, my quality of life and mental health.

So, back to the present :

The day before yesterday, at night, with that new person, we confessed our attraction to each other. A very sexual-kinky-based attraction (exactly what i need and want these past years). He's got a boyfriend, they're open. On my part, i said i wanted to make the desire last and grow, and explore our attraction and kinky dynamic by never "having sex with each other", but flirting, teasing instead, finding the levers of desires, sometimes having playing sessions, and choosing the boundaries of the game so it stays pleasurable and exciting.

I kissed his hand, said goodbye, we both went to sleep, I was happy to have someone to fantasize about when going to sleep. I enjoyed having a crush, having desire, having so many ideas of what i could do to him. (If you're vanilla, it may be hard to understand, i apologize)

So, yesterday morning, we met again, spent some time together, flirting, occasionally touching hands very softly, staring into each other's eyes and smiling, and talking about the kind of structure we could create for the kind of relationship we would have. He was talking long-term, healthy... by sleeping together once and then feeling like the fusion is over (he said it was when he felt safer : the after-sex defusion.) I realized that what i suggested the night before was absolutely unsafe for him so let's not do that + what he wanted was not my style : i don't feel defused after sex, on the contrary, and i hate to do it just once. What he wanted was very unsafe for me.

My conscience told me we were incompatible af and should not go down a road where one of us suffers while the other gets their way. But i was interested in finding a way where we could both be satisfied.

We split in the afternoon cause we both needed a nap, and we agreed to meet again after his 2 hours tattoo appointment.

So i wait for him to give me a sign for when we meet. He doesn't answer my text.

I wait 1 extra hour after the supposed ending of the tattoo. Nothing. I wait 2 extra hours.

I start feeling played.

I call him.

He doesn't answer.

I wait again a bit, then i go down to meet him. I find him at the bar, hanging with friends.

I stayed cool, but when we're alone, i asked him if he could keep me updated, if he needed space etc. I tell him i need to know in advance for any meeting, whether it's a crush or a doctor appointment, i just need to organize my time. And that he was talking healthy, long term earlier, and that he was not giving me the consideration he would have given a friend. Where is the friend ? He answers that "he thought we would run into each other tonight" and that "he is scared of his phone" and that "he shouldn't have to justify himself"

I answered : "absolutely.

And i hate feeling like a toy you can put away in a drawer. So let's stay friends. I'm going home."

At home, i was getting into my good crying session, when he calls me.

He tells me he doesn't feel good about our conversation and wants reparation. I'm like "what kind of reparation?" he says he has something to smoke. I laugh, i say he can come up. But he answers "if i come up it's too much commitment" and that he's "scared of fusion".

I'm like ok bro : smoking and talking after a 20 hours situationship breakup is not a commitment nor fusion.

He tells me he's a good person, obviously mad that i was not tolerating the cold in his hot&cold bs.

He asks me why i am so sad and crying so much.

I say it's because i'm tired of crushing on people who don't answer the phone. I want to crush on people who show me their interest in me, consistently. But i'm not.

He stays silent. I hear him cry a tiny bit.

I still need some reassurance about my broken heart and being attracted to shitty people,

As he was still silent, and i had a lot of crying-myself-to-sleep to do, i wanted to end the call. I mean, i was crying because of him, and he had no kind words. So i asked him "are you ready to grieve the crush?" He said yes, without hesitation.

I said see you tomorrow.

I cry again, a lot, i find this thread, it helps. I sleep.

Today, we met as agreed (for an unrelated thing we planned a week before)

And when we're done with the thing and i'm done being kinda cold and small-talking, he says "i'm really sorry i hurt you" with the smile he always wear. "What do you need ?"

I say "something you cannot give me, I believe. "

He's obviously hurt (cheh) and asks

"What do you need that i can give you?"

I say his friendship.

He was worried that i was gonna keep a grudge against him, i said it was gonna wash away the more we see each other as friends.

He asks for a hug, i say i hug my friends, but it's a bit prematured right now.

He leaves.

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SO HERE ARE MY BURNING QUESTIONS:

- Am i avoidant or did i successfully leave on the first occurence of him acting shitty ?

- How do i crush on available healthy people ?

I've been in therapy for 7 years.

I am very found of my best friend, i want to have him in my life for ever, i admire, respect, love him so much. But no sexual or physical desire and that's something missing in my life. I need to crush on people like him cause we're compatible af and i would follow him anywhere. Also he crushed on me last year so it was hard to face the fact that i was not attracted in that way even though i absolutely love him 😢

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I am obviously the one thinking, writing, posting about him right now. I wonder if he thinks about me. I know he's not gonna do anything about it though. I should write by hand my feelings to process 😬

Any kind words of hope for a broken-hearted, formerly obsessed with avoidant partners, currently sexless redditor ?

Thank you for reading until the end 🙏🙏🙏