Waiting

(Reposting here bc I didn’t want it to be in that thread anymore. But I need the reminder in case I delete it from my notes)

I’ve been waiting for so long. I’d hoped the decision would’ve changed. It hasn’t. It’s not going to.
I could lie and say I’ve reached an evolution of some sorts. That I have come to terms with it. But life doesn’t work that way does it? It’s not like the movies or the books. There isn’t always a happy ending and there isn’t always a bad. Most of us live somewhere in the middle, in the unresolved spaces. Maybe that’s why stories are written the way they are because we spend our lives chasing certainty, closure, something complete? Something that rarely exists.
What I have decided is to live through it. I’m not gonna sit still and wait anymore. Not stagnant at least. There is no reason to be suspended in some version of myself that wasn’t enough or never truly me at all.
I think I’ve become four or five different people over the last few years, trying to shape myself into what I thought would finally be desired. None of those versions fit. And maybe that’s because they were built around what I thought was needed instead of my own truth.
I’m living for me now not for the off chance the decision changes. It’s new to me because I’ve never built my life around myself? But I want to try.
That doesn’t mean I’m healed. It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped sifting through thoughts hoping one of them holds the answer I’ve been desperate to find. But somewhere a long the way, I’ve stopped showing up for what does value all of these versions of me regardless of what they are or aren’t. I’m just tired of pouring these versions into something that stopped being real a long time ago or maybe something that..never was. Leaving it behind isn’t weak or an admission of never feeling it. Maybe it’s just knowing when you no longer want to chase the unobtainable.

A lady always knows when to leave that is right?
Just another charmer.