Second MC in 3 months

TW: CSA, multiple MC, TTC, rape

Hello,

I am looking for some support, I guess.

I am a survivor of CSA that resulted in a live birth. I put that child up for adoption. (It's an open adoption) What I would've given for a MC as a 16yo with an unwanted pregnancy.

I'm 36 next month. I have two children with my husband, 6 & 2.5. I always wanted two or three kids, but after the second was born I knew I really wanted a third. I got pregnant and found out in Jan of this year but then miscarried in Feb. It was devastating because I just thought it couldn't happen to me. Which is silly. But it was really fucking awful because I felt like it was a sick joke. That I had to carry and birth a baby I didn't want but the baby I wanted had to die. That pregnancy was weird from the start though. I did ovulation tests and the first US was an empty sac. It didn't line up with my ovulation. The next Us showed a heart beat but then I had a MC the next week.

I then found out I was pregnant in March - we weren't purposefully trying yet, but I ended up pregnant and was so anxious, but everything was great. No empty sac. My doctor was confident that things would be different since I have 3 living children. Then at 9 weeks I had brown spotting and had a MC. My doctor was flabbergasted. They said we could test the product of conception for chromosomal abnormalities. That made me feel better, to possibly get answers. However, shortly after my first dose of miso I started gushing blood and went to the ER. The US there showed that I had passed the sac- I never saw it in all the chaos. I'm assuming it went in the toilet. 😭 So now I won't get answers. And I really fucking want my third child. I am so sad and angry and I don't understand why this is happening. All my pregnancies have been uneventful. (Minus the trauma of carrying and birthing my rapist's baby.)

My husband and I had decided that we were going to try one more time after the first MC but now I've changed my mind. I want another baby. Even if I miscarry again. I'm just not done. My heart wants another baby to love and breastfeed and snuggle. And my oldest keeps asking me when dad can give me some sperm so we can have another baby. 😭 This Mother's Day is so hard. I just really want my 3rd baby and I don't want to have the 3rd child stolen from me like my innocence was.